Loose ends chapter 22 - Withdrawn

Snape's withdrawl has past, but that doesn't mean he has recovered. Depression/ some sort of magical mental illness. PG.

This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc

Withdrawn
Snape slept without waking for nearly four hours, the longest undisturbed rest he’d had since arriving at the farmhouse. It marked the first sign that the withdrawal period was coming to an end. The nightmares and hallucinations continued, but they were less frequent, less intense. Sevvy still appeared at some point every day.

When he wasn’t hallucinating or being Sevvy, Snape was almost silent. He lay on his bed, getting up occasionally to shuffle to the toilet. Lupin managed to get him to brush his teeth, but he refused to have a bath or a shower, or wash his hair. He refused to come to the table to eat, and Lupin or Harry had to coax him into eating in the bedroom.

Nights were still the hardest, as he was still disturbed by nightmares every night. However now that it was only once or twice a night, Lupin began to consider moving Snape, and the spare bed, from Harry’s room and back to Lupin’s. Harry had discovered reserves of patience that he didn’t know he had, but more than two weeks of sharing a room with his former teacher – and former enemy – was quite enough.

Lupin waited until Snape had had several relatively calm nights before deciding to ask him about moving. He took him breakfast and waited while he picked at his porridge without much interest. Snape ate less than half before putting the bowl down on the bedside table.

“Severus, may I speak with you about something?”

Suspicious eyes were immediately on him.

“You seem to be mostly over the Dreamless Sleep withdrawal, do you agree?”

Snape gave a minimal nod.

“How are you finding things? It seems like you are sleeping better.”

Snape slowly nodded again.

“I was thinking…”

Snape looked up, eyes wide, staring directly at him. Before Lupin had a chance to continue, the dark eyes filled with tears.

“Please,” Snape said in a quiet voice, “Lupin, please don’t make me go.”

Snape looked down and began to tremble. He wrapped his arms around himself, and Lupin realised he was afraid of being asked to leave. Once again, Lupin was shocked by the vulnerability of the man who had once seemed so untouchable.

“Severus, I’m not going to make you go. You are welcome here as long as you need to be.”

Snape continued to tremble, tears falling onto the blanket over his legs.

“I’m scared,” he said in a tiny voice.

“Severus, did you hear me? You are welcome here for as long as you need.”

Snape looked up at Lupin, disbelieving. Lupin sighed, silently reminding himself to be patient. He pushed himself up from the chair and moved over to sit beside Snape on the bed. He gently placed his arm around Snape’s shoulders.

“Severus, do you remember what I said to you a couple of weeks back? That Harry, Andromeda and I agreed that we would care for you here, for as long as you needed?”

“I…I’m…I don’t think so. It’s all very…disorganised right now.”

“I see. Well, I did say that. And meant it. I’m not going to make you leave. You are welcome to stay as long as you want to, until you are ready, and you want to go. And right now, you clearly aren’t ready, are you?”

Snape shook his head.

“I thought…you said you thought I was over the withdrawal…so I would have to go.”

“No, Severus. That’s not what I meant. I was going to ask if you would mind if we moved your bed from Harry’s room to my room, now you don’t need so much help at night.”

“Oh.”

“Do you think that would be okay?’

Snape gave a slow nod.

“Okay.”

“Severus, you said just before that you were scared. Can you tell me what you are afraid of?”

“I don’t know. I just…” Snape’s voice was small, distant. “I don’t really know, it’s just a feeling that’s there.”

“Is it attached to a particular memory?” Lupin asked him softly.

Snape shook his head.

“It’s all of them.”

“What about good memories? Ones where you felt happy?”

Snape hesitated.

“I know I have them, because I do come across them occasionally. But… It’s hard to explain. I don’t even know if I understand. It’s like… being in a… a… room, and the floor is… covered… littered with the memories… everywhere… nothing ordered. And I can’t do… without… disturbing the mess… if I do, it’s all… everything. Everything is there, all at once… swirling, so fast… If I catch something…what I find is… it’s all horrible…”

Snape’s voice tailed off.

“I’m not making sense, am I?”

“A little, Severus,” Lupin replied. “It sounds like you are saying that all your memories are disorganised, and if you to look at them, you aren’t sure what you will find, but mostly you find bad memories.”

Snape nodded, a trace of relief on his face.

“But I need the memories to do anything. It’s… easier not to.”

He hung his head again, and Lupin’s hand gently squeezed his shoulder.

“Is that why you don’t really feel like doing anything, why you are just lying on your bed?”

Snape sighed.

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay, Severus. It’s just good that I can understand what is going on.” Lupin paused, his arm still around Snape’s shoulders, holding him close. “Do you think it’s better or worse than when you were taking the Dreamless Sleep?”

“I… don’t know. It’s different. It’s…I don’t know.”

Lupin felt the way Snape’s body slumped against him. He debated whether to continue the conversation, or let the man rest. Eventually, realising that it was rare enough that Snape would even respond to questions with more than a single word, he continued.

“Can you describe what it was like, when you were taking the Dreamless Sleep?”

“It was slower…in my mind. The memories… when I looked for them… they would move… not so much. But they were harder to see… grey… unfocused…”

“And now?”

“Brighter… sharper… but they move so fast… it makes me so tired…”

Snape leaned his head against Lupin’s shoulder.

“Do you need to rest, Severus?” Lupin asked, in almost a whisper. Snape’s head nodded against his shoulder, and he realised that the question was a little late.

Lupin levitated Snape off his shoulder, laid him back down on the bed and covered him with a blanket. Returning to his chair, he took a piece of parchment from his pocket and unfolded it carefully. Wormwood had written every couple of days to ask whether he could visit his former teacher. Lupin had reluctantly described Snape’s reaction to Clarridge’s visit, and pointed out that if Snape had been unable to cope with a visit from his favourite relation, then his favourite student may also be too much for him to cope with. Wormwood had not ceased his requests, but the tone of the letters was now less insistent.

“Dear Remus,

I hope that Professor Snape…”

Lupin smiled. It had taken three months of “please, call me Remus” for Wormwood to stop referring to him as “Professor Lupin”.

“is continuing to recover well. Please do let me know if he is feeling up to a visitor. You mentioned that he was interested in hearing about the brewing of Postlune at some stage. I will be brewing this month’s batch before the first night of the waxing gibbous moon (this coming Thursday), and if he would be interested in joining me in the lab to observe and perhaps offer any comments on my technique, he would be most welcome. Of course, there will always be next month if he is not able to this time.

Yours sincerely,

Wormwood Fox”

Lupin looked at the sleeping man. It seemed unlikely he’d be able to cope with a visit to the Institute’s laboratory in his current state. On the other hand, perhaps it would help him recall some better memories. And Wormwood was not as naïve as he appeared. Inviting Snape to “offer comments on his technique”? Few men would be brave enough to give Snape an open invitation to criticise, but it was an approach that might just work. Yes, Lupin thought, perhaps now was the time for a visit from Wormwood. And more than that, it was time to find the better memories that Snape was having such trouble recalling.

Loose ends chapter 23 - Curry

Lupin attempts to find some of Snape’s happy memories, with the help of chana masala. Angst, but more sweet than heavy, pre-slash (sort of). PG.

This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc

Curry
Snape stood in the kitchen doorway, arms wrapped tightly around his body, scowling at Lupin and shivering. He was wearing thin pyjamas and his feet were bare on the stone floor. His eyes were watchful, as if he expected the serving of supper to turn into some sort of hostile attack. But the meal had clearly drawn him. The scent of spices had wafted through the house and, as Lupin had hoped, Snape had been unable to resist.

Lupin turned to Harry.

“Harry, do you think you could get some slippers and a dressing gown for Severus please? It won’t do him any good to get chilled.”

Harry got up from the table and walked towards the doorway. Snape drew back, avoiding the possibility of contact as Harry passed by.

“Severus, why don’t you join us for supper?”

Snape continued to scowl. Lupin gestured to an empty plate beside him. Seeing no response from Snape, he continued to spoon rice onto his own plate. Then he passed the plate to Andromeda, and she spooned steaming curry over the rice.

“Severus, we are having curry. I’m sure you’d like it,” Lupin said. Snape’s scowl remained fixed to his face, but his eyes had become distant. Lupin turned briefly to Andromeda, a warning in his eye, and she walked across to the doorway just as Harry returned with Snape’s dressing gown and slippers.

“Severus, are you still with us?” she asked with a gentle tone.

Snape turned to look at her, a frown creasing his forehead as he brought his eyes into focus.

“Sorry, still here,” he said in a small voice.

“It’s okay, Severus. Harry needs to help you with your dressing gown, that’s all.”

Snape looked at Harry then dropped his eyes. He held out one arm and Harry slid the sleeve over his hand. He held out the other hand and Harry repeated the action, before pulling the gown closed and tying it at the waist. He bent down and guided Snape’s feet into the slippers. He stood up again and gently took Snape’s arm.

“Come on now, let’s get you some supper.”

Snape meekly took Harry’s direction, sitting down between Harry and Lupin at the table. He made no effort to take any food, having once again slipped into blank passivity.

“I’m glad you decided to join us for supper, Severus. Can I get you something to eat?”

Andromeda looked across at the unresponsive man, and began spooning small amounts of curry, rice and vegetables onto a plate for him. She passed the plate to Lupin, who placed it carefully in front of Snape then passed him a piece of fried bread. Snape stared at the food for some time before finally picking up his fork. Lupin watched carefully as Snape lifted a forkful of curry to his mouth, and tasted it cautiously. He frowned, and suddenly his face became anxious. Lupin could see that he was trying to recall something, but couldn’t. Snape gripped his fork and looked down at the plate, and Lupin could smell tension in the room as he, Harry and Andromeda all watched Snape intently.

Suddenly there was a soft murmur from Snape.

“Tamarind.”

Lupin gave a small smile.

“Yes, Severus. There’s lots of tamarind in this dish.”

“I don’t remember what it is,” Snape replied sadly. “It’s just a word. But it keeps popping into my head.”

“Do you recognise this curry?”

“It’s… familiar. Very familiar.”

“It’s one that Anita makes. She said it was a favourite of yours. She even taught you how to make it.”

Snape looked up.

“Anita?”

“Clarridge’s wife.”

“I remember Clarridge,” he said.

Lupin sighed. This could take a long time.

Snape had eaten the curry slowly and carefully, but by the time he had placed his fork and knife neatly in the centre of his plate, most of the food was gone, and very little of it had been fed to Moros. It was the most Snape had eaten in weeks.

“Where did this come from, Lupin?”

“Anita and Clarridge sent it. I asked them what you liked to eat when you visited them, and they sent this. I have to admit that Anita’s chana masala was always one of my favourites too.”

Snape looked down at his plate again.

“Anita, she’s… foreign, isn’t she.”

“Severus, she was born in Stoke Newington,” Lupin replied, with a slight defensiveness. “But her mother was born in West Bengal, and her father’s parents in Punjab, so yes, you could say “foreign”, I suppose.”

“I do remember her. She… was nice.”

“She is nice, Severus. You will be welcome to visit again when you feel up to it. Do you remember visiting?”

“I think I do. I remember a house. And lots of children. Very noisy children. Very naughty.”

“Clarridge told me you threatened to transfigure them into toads if they were naughty. It was a wonderful game for them. What did you expect?”

“Oh. Weren’t they scared?”

“No, Severus, apparently you completely failed to terrify them.”

Snape was silent for a moment, before looking up with an anxious expression once again on his face.

“What’s the date?”

Snape sat with a frown on his face until Andromeda answered.

“Fourteenth of October, Severus. Why?”

“No…I missed it. 29th of September, 17th of February, third of March, first of June. Their birthdays. I missed one.”

Snape dropped his head forward, face in his hands.

“I don’t even remember which child it was. But I don’t miss their birthdays.”

“Severus, you’ve been ill. You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“You don’t understand. I can’t miss their birthdays. It’s important.”

“Can you help me understand, Severus?”

Snape began to shake his head frantically, and Lupin put a hand on his arm.

“Severus, they will understand. They know you have been sick. They sent cards.”

“No.” Snape continued to shake his head and he began to breathe heavily. Lupin held up his hand and four pieces of folded card – brightly coloured – flew to his hand.

“Look, Severus.”

Lupin held out one of the cards, and when Snape ignored it, he opened it and began to read.

“Dear Uncle Severus, I am sorry you are feeling sick. I hope you get well soon. Love from Martin". There’s a rather nice picture of a ginger cat. If you stroke it, it purrs. Look.”

Snape looked at the card, then took it from Lupin, holding it in his hands almost reverently. He ran one finger down the cat’s side and it indeed began to purr. After a long pause, he finally spoke.

“I know Martin’s magical, but how did he do this without help?”

“I think he must have done it at school. He’s at Hogwarts now. He just started a few weeks ago.”

Snape was silent, continuing to stroke the cat on the card.

“Dare I ask what house?”

“Hufflepuff.”

Snape let out a sigh of relief.

“You will probably appreciate this story,” Lupin continued. “The sorting hat noted that he was a Prince, and told him that Princes were usually Slytherin, but he wasn’t sure because – and I quote – because half-blood Princes don’t seem to thrive in Slytherin.”

“He takes after his mother, that boy, even though he’s magical.”

“Yes, he does, Severus. He has both her compassion and common sense. It makes him quite a balanced person I think, and he’ll do well in Hufflepuff, even though he’ll probably come home swearing like a sailor.”

Lupin handed him the next card, illustrated with large-eyed, small bodied figures who appeared to be superheroes of some kind.

“This is from David. There’s a whole letter with it, which I’ll leave to you to read. Most of it’s about… anime? If that’s a word. And a number of references to how annoying his younger siblings are.”

Lupin took the next card and passed it across.

“This is from Amanda. It looks like she still has the sparkly princess obsession.”

Snape looked at the picture, a large toad coloured in garish pink and purple, with fairy wings drawn in glitter pen. Inside, the “Dear Uncle Severus from Amanda” was also drawn in pink glitter pen. Lupin handed him the final card, a messy and colourful scribble, with a large, crooked “M” written inside.

“Matilda. She was only Teddy’s age when I last saw her,” Snape said, his voice hushed and a little sad. He stared at the cards in front of him, saying nothing for several minutes. Harry and Andromeda began clearing plates, and Lupin sat watching in silence.

“David, it was David’s birthday.”

“You know, I’m sure he won’t mind if his present is a little late. Perhaps Harry could get something and we could send it. I think Clarridge said you send something from Honeydukes?”

Snape nodded slowly.

“That would be… yes. Thank you.”

Severus had sat holding the cards in silence as the meal was cleared away. He held them with one hand when Andromeda placed a cup of tea in front of him and he drank. And he held them when Harry took him back to his bed which was now, he realised, moved to Lupin’s room.

Later, when Lupin returned to the room, he saw that Snape still held the cards.

“Severus, did tonight help you remember?”

Snape looked up with a frown, a question on his face even though he said nothing.

“Did tonight help you find some happier memories?”

After a long pause, Snape responded. “Yes. Yes it did. The curry, and the cards from the children. I remembered visiting them. I remembered Anita and all her spices. Cooking with her. Those lovely Indian breads. And much more of Clarridge.”

He looked back down at the cards.

“And I remember my aunt”, he continued, after contemplating them for a while longer. “My father’s sister. I rarely saw her, maybe two or three times. But she sent a card and a present every birthday. And Christmas. It meant a lot. She… it made me feel like someone cared about me.”

Lupin reached across and placed his hand on Snape’s arm. Snape looked down, suddenly realising that he had revealed, yet again, more than he intended to the werewolf. He couldn’t help it when he was ill – he accepted that – but now he was past the withdrawal, it kept happening. And yet he couldn’t help wondering, did it really matter? Over the years, he realised, he had revealed more to Lupin than he had to almost anyone else, including the Dark Lord. He had revealed more only to Dumbledore, but that had been different. He had given the man access to his mind because Dumbledore would accept nothing less. It had felt like Dumbledore was taking, not like Snape was giving.

“I’m glad, Severus.” Lupin’s voice interrupted his contemplation. “It’s what I hoped, that the right reminders might help you find some of your happier memories.”

Snape nodded.

“Thank you, Lupin.”

Lupin smiled, not the usual faint twitch of his lips while his eye stayed sad, but a smile that reached his whole face. His eyes had always been warm in that way that made people fawn over him. He had been an ordinary-looking, awkward boy, and could not have been called a handsome man, but there was always something that drew people, that made him attractive. No matter how scruffy his clothes, whatever his latest experiment in absurd facial hair and despite the persistent rumours around his… condition, there was always a woman, or occasionally a man, whose eyes followed the werewolf with that hopeful look. Of course, they usually drifted away once they knew the rumours were true, but another would take their place.

Snape had initially suspected it was simply Lupin’s kindness that drew people to him like that. After all, that was why he’d ended up with a painful crush on Lupin at school. But he’d come to realise that most people didn’t simply fall in love with anyone who was kind to them. Later, when he’d seen that smile, he understood. Even with only one eye to light up, the smile made him feel like he was receiving a precious gift. Snape realised that the smile had become rather rare during the years of the war, and even more so in the times that Snape had seen him since the war ended. He found himself wanting to see more of it, and before he realised what he was doing, he continued speaking.

“I… I appreciate what you have done for me, Lupin.”

There it was again. Feeling guilty at his greed, he went on.

“And not just you, but Andromeda and Potter… Harry. You have all been so kind.”

And again. But then, just because he had been greedy, something else appeared. A trace of concern, or perhaps cynicism.

“Severus, you are very tired. I think you need to get some sleep. You’ll be feeling more yourself in the morning.”

Snape began to fear he had gone too far, but Lupin patted his shoulder gently and smiled once more before he extinguished the light and left the room.