Loose ends chapter 20 - Visitor

Snape's favourite cousin visits, but Snape isn't happy to see him. Reference to child abuse, swearing, more unrelenting angst. R.

This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc

Visitor
Lupin drifted into a restless sleep, only to be woken again by horrific screaming. The agonised sound echoed through the house, Lupin felt the screams jolt through him almost like a physical pain as he tried desperately to get himself out of bed. He heard Teddy begin to cry, hurrying feet, voices, Grimmy barking and over that the screams going on and on.

Then, as suddenly as they had begun, they stopped. The sound of Teddy crying suddenly appeared very loud as Harry walked into Lupin’s room, carrying the boy who was now calling for his father. Lupin reached out, taking the frightened child in his arm and pressing him to his chest.

“What in Merlin’s name just happened?”

Clarridge stepped into the room after Harry. Both looked shaken.

“I don’t think he was keen to see me.”

Clarridge’s voice was light, but his face was not.

“What exactly happened?”

“I walked in, Severus had his back to the door. I spoke to Harry, who was there beside him. Severus rolled over and looked at me, then started screaming. He only stopped when Andromeda came and cast a sedating spell. She’s with him now.”

Lupin looked at Harry.

“How had he been before? Anything unusual?”

Harry shook his head.

“Sullen, uncommunicative. Basically normal. He wasn’t obviously hallucinating anything, although a couple of times he thought I was my father.”

“Any sign of Sevvy?”

Harry shook his head.

Lupin looked thoughtfully at Clarridge, noting the family resemblance.

“Clarridge, do you look like your relatives?”

“I’m afraid I do. It’s been rather disconcerting as I’ve got older, I’ve grown to look more and more like them. There’s a typical Prince look, and I’m it.”

“So you’d look like your…” Lupin paused, not wanting to give anything away. “Like your father or grandfather, or uncles or great-uncles.”

“Oh yes, all of them. Especially my grandfather and his brothers, the three of them were all very alike, typical Princes. Powerful wizards, arrogant and mean to the bone. I’m glad I only inherited the looks to be honest. Took me years to get to that realisation, but I’m grateful I was a squib, would not have wanted to turn out like them.”

Lupin put his hand to his face. He knew now just what Snape had seen, what had so terrified him.

“You okay, Remus?” Clarridge asked.

“I need to see him,” Lupin said suddenly.

“Severus?”

Lupin nodded.

“Remus, you’ve gone completely pale, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” Lupin lied. He felt sick. How terrified must Snape have been to see his grandfather or one of his great-uncles? “I’m fine. I just… I…I need to know Severus is alright. That screaming did give me a fright.”

Clarridge looked closely at Lupin. He had once worked closely with the werewolf and could read him better than most. Something was up, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to work out what it was unless Lupin chose to tell him. Around the full moon, the werewolf couldn’t always cover his emotions, but he was still a convincing liar.

Harry stepped forward to help Lupin to his chair, not noticing the signs that Clarridge did. He took Lupin, Teddy still in his arms, through to see Snape with Grimmy following. Clarridge held back, out of sight, pondering just what it was that had terrified his cousin so badly, and what it was that had upset Lupin.

Snape was huddled on the farthest corner of the bed, leaning against the wall, his eyes flicking anxiously from Andromeda to the door. His face was frightened still – Andromeda’s spell had stopped the screaming but hadn’t reassured Snape that he was safe. He was still shaking, apparently fear rather than post-Cruciatus, and had evidently lost control of both bladder and bowels in his terror. Harry took the now calmer Teddy from Lupin, and left the room. As Andromeda brought Lupin’s chair closer, Snape drew away, trying to flatten himself against the wall.

“Severus?” Lupin said gently.

No response.

“Severus, can you hear me?”

Snape’s eyes went distant, the way it did when he was trying to escape in his mind. Once that happened, Sevvy was not usually far away.

“Sevvy?” Lupin said.

Wide eyes were suddenly fixed on him.

“Sevvy, do you remember me?”

The face creased in concentration and confusion. Lupin gently introduced himself and Andromeda, as he did each time Sevvy appeared, since Lupin had realised that while Sevvy did recognise them as familiar, he didn’t clearly remember his previous episodes without reminding. Lupin noticed a slight relaxation in the tense body, then suddenly Snape began to cry.

“Sevvy, what’s the matter? Why are you crying?”

Andromeda helped Lupin onto the bed beside Snape, and he wrapped his arm around him.

“What’s wrong, Sevvy?”

“I…I don’t know.”

Snape leaned his head on Lupin’s shoulder and clung to him, sobbing and whimpering.

“You are crying but you don’t know why?”

The irony wasted on him, Snape simply nodded into Lupin’s shoulder.

“Oh, Sevvy, it’s alright” Lupin replied, gently stroking the back of his head. After a few minutes, Snape calmed down, loosening his grip on Lupin’s arms and lifting his head up, leaving a snotty mark on Lupin’s shirt. He stayed leaning against Lupin though, not ready to let go.

“Are you okay now, Sevvy?” Lupin asked him.

Snape nodded hesitantly.

“Can you tell me why you were crying before?”

“I…I’m not sure,” Snape replied in a small voice. “Sometimes I just feel like crying.”

Snape looked down, the hanging hair failing to mask the misery on his face. Lupin sighed. He had been no stranger to the feeling himself as a child. And, he admitted to himself, even now.

“Sevvy, I think it might be a good idea if you changed your clothes.”

Snape looked up at Lupin, and then quickly back down, as the realisation dawned on him that he had soiled himself. Tears formed in his eyes again.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said in a small voice, panic immediately rising.

“Sevvy, it’s okay. I’m just saying that you should get changed. I’m not angry.”

“But I’m disgusting.”

“You’re not disgusting Sevvy.”

Snape shook his head, becoming agitated. His body tensed and his breath began to come in strangled gasps.

“I’m a disgusting little freak. I’m a filthy fucking cunt. I’m a useless little shit…”

“Sevvy, hush now. That’s not true.”

“I’m a dirty fucker, a fucking stupid fucking horrible digusting…”

“Sevvy,” Lupin said, his voice calm but firmer. “You are not disgusting or useless or any of those things. Please stop saying so.”

The tone of Lupin’s voice seemed to cut through Snape’s panic, and he looked up at Lupin, eyes confused, breathing ragged. Lupin rested his hand heavily on Snape’s shoulder and Snape wrapped both his hands around Lupin’s arm.

“Father… says so. When I… I… make a… mess.”

“Does that happen often Sevvy?”

Snape paused, trying to steady his breath. He gripped Lupin’s arm hard enough to hurt.

“When I make him angry, and I get scared. And then…it makes him more angry. And…he…”

Snape began to sob again, and Lupin once again wrapped his arm around him in reassurance. But Snape wasn’t finished.

“He…puts me in the bath…” he said between sobs, “he…he… he puts my face under…can’t breathe…filthy fucking freak…don’t like water…scared…”

“Shh, shh Sevvy, it’s okay now, nobody will hurt you here.”

As Snape clung to him, Lupin whispered reassurances that he was safe, and gently rocked him. This time, Snape seemed to take longer to calm down, the distress deeper and harder to soothe away. Lupin continued to rock him as Snape clung in in desperation. Eventually, the strong hands that held Lupin’s arms relaxed and Snape’s breathing steadied.

“Sevvy, do you think we could get you cleaned up now? No water - Andromeda can do a spell, but it might be better to change clothes, it will feel cleaner than just with a spell.”

A wary Snape consented to being cleaned up, and reluctantly shed his clothes before allowing Lupin to help him into clean underwear, shirt and trousers. Andromeda then handed him a clean robe. He sat on the edge of the bed awkwardly, fiddling with the buttons. Lupin could see on his face just how exhausted he was.

“Sevvy, would you like to see your cousin Clarridge?”

Snape looked up from his buttoning, his eyes flicking nervously from Lupin to Andromeda.

“Just Clarridge?”

“Yes, just Clarridge.”

“Not his brothers? Or anyone else?”

“Just Clarridge.”

After a pause, Snape nodded.

“Well Clarridge has come to see you. When you have finished getting dressed, you could see him. And then maybe after that you could have a rest. I think you might be a bit tired.”

Snape nodded, and his face brightened slightly. He returned to concentrating on his buttons.

“Okay, Sevvy. But I just have to tell you that Clarridge had been a little bit sick lately. He’s looking a bit tired, and his hair has gone a bit grey, like mine has. So he might look a bit older to you, but it’s still Clarridge, okay?”

Snape nodded again. Lupin had found Harry quite suggestible when he was coming off Dreamless Sleep, and Snape seemed similar. He hoped this would work and that Snape would imagine that the nearly fifty year old Clarridge was more like fifteen. Instead of screaming the house down again because he thought he saw his grandfather. Lupin asked Andromeda to get Clarridge, and cast muffling charms, just in case.

Clarridge walked nervously into the room. Evidently he had been waiting just outside.

“Hello Sevvy,” he said.

Snape stared silently at him.

“Has Remus been looking after you well?”

Lupin watched in fascination as Snape suddenly smiled. The smile transformed his face, it was a child’s smile, innocent and trusting, even though Sevvy clearly hadn’t been a particularly innocent and trusting child. Clarridge stepped forward and wrapped him in a hug.

“Do you like staying with Remus?” Clarridge asked, when Snape finally loosened his grip.

“Yes,” Snape replied. “He’s got a dog.”

“Really? What sort of dog?”

“A black one. He’s big.”

“Is he as big as Nipper?”

“Nipper’s not a big dog.”

“No, I suppose he isn’t. So, have you been a good boy for Remus while you are staying here?”

Suddenly Snape’s smile faded and he looked worried. With downcast eyes, biting his lip, he shook his head.

“Of course he’s been a good boy,” Lupin said gently, reaching across to put a hand on Snape’s arm. Snape looked up at him in surprise – he clearly didn’t expect to be considered good. “He’s been very helpful with Grimmy. Sevvy, why don’t you find Grimmy and show Clarridge some of the tricks he can do?”

“Okay.”

Snape went looking for Grimmy, and Clarridge gave Lupin a concerned look.

“Shit,” he said. “I heard some of the exchange with Sevvy when I was standing outside the room. Is he like this often?”

“A fair bit since we picked him up from the hospital. He often seems to get like this when he gets upset – he seems to retreat from reality by hiding in memories, although I don’t think he’s doing it intentionally. Unfortunately he stays like this until he goes to sleep.”

“He seems quite sweet, it might be an improvement.”

Lupin shook his head.

“He’s not so bad right now, but he’s pretty much like you descirbed him as a child. So he gets clingy and demanding, and he’s easily upset. A hysterical six-year old in an adult body can be quite dangerous. Teddy’s picked up a few new words I’d rather he didn’t know too. And…it’s impossible to get him to wash. I didn’t realise why until now.”

Clarridge sighed and looked sadly at Lupin.

“He was always grubby when I saw him as a child. I would see him at family gatherings, and you’d have thought that if he’d been clean anytime it would have been then. Poor kid. When I knew him as a child, I had no idea how to read the signs, but in hindsight it’s obvious what was going on, what he went through. The poor kid.”

Clarridge gave another sigh.

“I’ve been so worried about him, but I’ve been at loss about what to do. You have no idea how grateful I am that you are caring for him. If there’s anything I can do…”

“Thanks, Clarridge. Just visiting sometimes helps. I don’t really know what else. But obviously Sevvy is happy to see you, even if we have some problems with the older versions of Severus.”

Snape returned with Grimmy following him, and proceeded to demonstrate some of Grimmy’s repertoire of tricks – sitting, shaking hands and rolling over. He also demonstrated an alarming new trick that Lupin didn’t want to see added to Grimmy’s repertoire, the huge dog standing on his hind legs with his front paws on Snape’s shoulders, and licking his face. Snape, however, just laughed. Lupin struggled to remember Snape ever laughing, and ignored the dog’s behaviour, resolving to discourage it later.

“Sevvy, are you hungry?” Andromeda asked.

He nodded.

“Why don’t we go into the kitchen and have some morning tea? Clarridge?”

“That would be lovely, thank you.”

“Remus, you look like you need some more sleep. Clarridge and Sevvy, how about you go into the kitchen and I will help Remus back to bed them come and join you? And then maybe after that you could go into the garden with Grimmy.”

Snape nodded and took Clarridge’s hand, leading him from the room, while Andromeda helped Remus back to bed.

Loose ends chapter 21 - Hallucinations

Snape's hallucinations are becoming increasingly bizarre, and Harry gets angry. Mental illness, reference to traumatic events in canon, still more angst. R.

This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc

Hallucinations
Lupin woke to discover the blue rug in his bedroom had turned black. He rubbed his eye and tried to focus, his mind still confused. He reached for his glasses and the black rug became Grimmy stretched out on his side, with Snape cuddled up behind him

Lupin assumed it was Sevvy who had chosen to sleep on his bedroom floor with Grimmy. It was not something he could see the adult Snape choosing. Thinking that a forty-ish year old body would wake very uncomfortable from sleeping on a rug over a stone floor, he reached for his wand to see if he had the strength to warm and cushion the floor. As he cast the charms, Snape gave a soft moan and buried his face deeper into Grimmy’s neck. Grimmy stretched his legs out in his sleep, then relaxed again with a whine.

Lupin lay back, exhausted from the effort. He wondered about trying to get back to sleep when Snape moaned again, and Lupin realised it was more than a response to the hard, stone floor. He listened as Snape began to whimper, then suddenly cried out.

“No, no, Lupin, no.”

Lupin began to struggle upright, but Grimmy was faster, suddenly awake and pressing his muzzle into Snape’s face. Snape opened his eyes and screamed at the sight of the dog. He scrambled backwards away from Grimmy, backing himself into the corner of the room, covering his head with his arms.

Grimmy sat, looking from Lupin to Snape in confusion. His tail thumped on the ground half-heartedly. Lupin almost told him to leave. Almost. If he’d had the strength to get to Snape, he’d have gone. But Grimmy had often been successful at comforting him before.

Lupin looked at Grimmy and pointed to the cowering Snape. Grimmy moved across the room, then flattened himself in front of Snape, stretching his muzzle forwards, whining. Snape tried to draw his shaking body away further, avoiding the dog’s eyes.

“Lupin, no, please no.”

Snape was calling his name, but Lupin suddenly realised that all his focus was the dog. The dog he was calling Lupin. The dog that he was seeing as the werewolf. Lupin swore under his breath and began to struggle upright again, reaching for his wand. He needed the get to dog away from the terrified Snape.

“Grimmy, come.”

But the dog was focused on Snape. Grimmy swiftly moved his nose upwards, and licked Snape across the face. Snape’s eyes opened wide in surprise. Grimmy licked him again, and then continued, thoroughly bathing Snape’s face in dog slobber.

“Lupin, no, that’s disgusting. Stop it.”

Grimmy pulled back and looked at Snape curiously. Snape was staring back in nervousness and confusion, but the absolute terror was gone. Grimmy leaned forward and licked him again. Then he put a paw on Snape’s knee and scratched at him gently. Snape relaxed his body and his legs stretched out in front of him. Grimmy half-climbed across his lap and lay looking up at him with big eyes.

“Lupin, what are you doing?”

Snape was now looking slightly annoyed, but Lupin noticed that his hand had moved automatically to the dog’s ear, the fingers gently stroking the soft fur behind. Grimmy gave a sigh and closed his eyes in pleasure. Snape sat there, absently stroking the dog’s head, then drifted off to sleep.

It was sometimes unclear whether Snape was trapped in memories or hallucinating, but whatever it was, it continued. Snape often thought Grimmy was the werewolf or Harry was James. Then he began to mistake Andromeda for her older sister – although they looked different, there was still a distinct resemblance. On one occasion when Lucretia visited to check on his condition, he thought that she was Lucius Malfoy. Although there was no physical resemblance between the dark-haired young werewolf and Malfoy, there was, Lupin, admitted, something reminiscent in the way Lucretia stood – very upright, appearing to look down at people, even if they were taller than her. It would have been amusing if Snape hadn’t been so afraid. At first, Snape saw Lupin simply as younger Lupin, but over the next week the nightmares and hallucinations became progressively more bizarre, less connected to reality, and Snape recognised Lupin less and less. When Snape saw Lupin as Lupin, he was still suggestible, responding to Lupin’s actual words and actions, and able to be reassured. But once he saw Lupin as someone else, Lupin’s words became irrelevant. Snape responded only to the words of the person he saw in front of him, and when that was Sirius Black, there was nothing Lupin could do to comfort him.

Lupin thought he had reached the lowest point when Snape began thinking Lupin was Voldemort. Lupin had cringed at the sight of Snape grovelling on the floor, calling him “my lord” or “master”. Lupin had had his share of grovelling to the dark lord as one of Greyback’s lieutenants, and did not want any reminders. On one terrifying occasion, when Andromeda had moved towards him in an attempt to calm him, he had hallucinated being put under the Cruciatus curse by Bellatrix Lestrange. He writhed on the ground, screaming, terrifying Teddy. Terrifying them all. When the curse had evidently passed, Snape had been violently sick, then collapsed, shivering, in the puddle of vomit. Although Harry had been able to vanish the vomit, Snape was too afraid of them to let anyone help or comfort him. He had lain on the floor shaking until he finally fell asleep.

But Lupin had been wrong about the low point. The worst by far was when a desperately weeping Snape had called Lupin “Albus”.

At first, Lupin was confused. Snape’s nightmares and hallucinations had generally involved people he loathed or feared, all his worst memories in a horrific parade. But Snape worshipped Dumbledore. So why was he in his nightmares? But then Snape had fallen to his knees, clutching at Lupin’s clothes, and begun begging.

“No, please, no.”

“No, Albus, I can’t.”

“You can’t, you can’t ask that. I can’t do it. I won’t.”

“Please, please don’t ask me to do that.”

“Please, Albus, please. I can’t. I can’t. I won’t. Please.”

“Please, no, no, no.”

Snape had begged, desperate, again and again, to be released from the order to take his mentor’s life. He cried, at first softly, gradually working himself up into desperate, gulping sobs. All the while, his hands gripped the front of Lupin’s shirt.

Lupin tried to tell him that it was okay, that he didn’t have to go through with the task, but his words had no effect. Harry removed all wands but his own from the vicinity, put up a shielding ward between Snape and Lupin, and stepped back to watch. Snape couldn’t cast a killing curse without a wand – as far as they knew – but Harry didn’t put it past him to try and complete his awful duty by attacking Lupin physically.

In the end though, Snape simply collapsed to the floor in a foetal position, inconsolable. He flinched away from both Lupin and Andromeda, who he was now seeing as her younger sister. However Harry was Harry, and Snape finally accepted the young man’s hand on his shoulder. After Harry had sat beside him for nearly half an hour, Snape allowed Harry to wrap him in his arms and levitate him through to the bedroom.

When Harry emerged, his eyes were as dark as Lupin had ever seen them. He said nothing to Lupin, pushing past him, muttering to himself. Lupin’s wolf ears picked up the words, and they chilled him to the bone.

“I’ll never forgive him, never.”

“Harry, Harry, wait,” Lupin called after him, but Harry simply marched outside and apparated from the lane.

Lupin returned to Snape’s room, sitting beside the bed, looking at the now peaceful face. All trace of tears and snot had been cleaned away, his hair was neatly pushed back and the blankets tucked carefully around him. He was wearing a clean pair of pyjamas too. For someone who appeared furious, Harry had taken great care with his former teacher. Lupin gave a sigh. Like his father before him, Harry could be illogical and contradictory at times.

Andromeda brought Teddy in, along with one of his books, while she was preparing dinner. Lupin and Teddy sat quietly reading the book with the background of Snape’s even breathing. It was hard to believe that the peaceful figure in the bed had been so tortured just a short time before.

Lupin and Teddy ate dinner sitting beside Snape’s bed, and stayed there afterwards, Lupin unwilling to leave him even though he was sleeping calmly. He heard Andromeda’s knock an hour later.

“Harry’s back,” she said, “and he’s gone straight for the firewhiskey.”

Lupin nodded and handed Teddy to her. He levitated his chair and headed for the sitting room.

“Harry, talk to me, please.”

Harry turned, holding his glass.

“Drink, Remus?” he asked.

“A small one, please, Harry. It has been a rough day.”

They sat quietly with their drinks, Lupin waiting for Harry to speak.

“I went to Hogwarts,” he said finally. “I shouted and ranted outside Minerva’s office until she let me speak to Dumbledore’s portrait.”

Lupin waited for Harry to continue. When he didn’t, Lupin spoke softly.

“Did that help?”

“Not really. I had a good yell at him over what he’d done, but he was utterly unrepentant. Said it was for the greater good. Said Sna… Severus was a soldier, and soldiers are prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice for their cause. Said he would have given his life, had he needed to.”

Lupin sighed. He now understood the careful way that Harry had looked after Snape even though the young man had appeared so angry. It was not Snape that Harry couldn’t forgive, but Dumbledore.

“It’s true, he would have given his life. As I would have, as Albus did and as did… many others.” Lupin kept his voice carefully neutral as he spoke, not mentioning his wife. “But there are worse things to give than your life. I agree with you that what Dumbledore asked of him was unfair. Surely there was another way. Both were so skilled at leglimency and occlumency – surely they could have placed some false memories of Snape killing Dumbledore, or something like that.”

Lupin paused again, still haunted by Snape’s desperate weeping.

“I wonder if he begged and cried like that,” Harry said. “A few weeks ago, I’d have found that hard to imagine, but I realise now how close…Severus was to breaking, for so long. No wonder he’s like he is now.”

“I don’t know if he begged or not, Harry. With Albus, perhaps he did, but we can’t know how he behaved by how he is acting now. Perhaps Albus didn’t fully comprehend the burden he placed on Severus.”

“You don’t want to think badly of him, do you Remus?” said Harry, a sharpness in his tone. “Neither of you do. That’s what made me so angry, seeing what he put Severus through, and yet still he won’t hear a word against him. It’s obvious that Severus worshipped him and would have done anything he asked. Maybe I’d accept Dumbledore’s view if I hadn’t seen what I’d seen over the last few weeks. If I hadn’t seen Sevvy. But knowing how much he suffered, knowing how hurt he was… Surely Dumbledore knew.”

Lupin hung his head. He hated to admit it, but Harry was right.

“Albus knew Severus better than anyone. You are right – he must have known exactly what he was asking.”

“Do you think Severus will ever recover? It seems hard to imagine right now.”

“I don’t know, Harry. I don’t even know what recovery means for him. So much of what we’ve seen of him, the man we knew before, was part of who he needed to be for Dumbledore. I don’t think we even know who Severus really is. Actually, I don’t think even Severus knows who he really is.”

Harry gave a slow sigh.

“I used to think, when the war ended, it would be… over. But it’s not, is it?”

“No, not quite. We survived the war, but now we have to survive the peace, and sometimes that seems just as hard. When I was still in the Institute, I used to feel as if I was… some sort of loose end, just left hanging, as if life had finished with me, but couldn be bothered tidying up the ending. I think we’ve all felt like that, you, me, Andromeda, Severus, unwanted leftovers of a time that everyone is trying to forget.”

Harry nodded.

“But you don’t now?”

“No, never. Do you?”

Harry shook his head and they sat in silence with their drinks.