Loose ends chapter 43 - Survival

[coriaria]

Snape remembers how he survived Nagini’s bite and finally lets Lupin closer. Mutual masturbation, very oblique reference to rape. R.

This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc.

Survival
It was after midnight when Lupin was woken by the soft sounds from his wand that told him the wards had been crossed. He reached out for his wand and held it, wondering who it was that was coming. Only a half dozen people could get past the wards without specific permission.

After a few moments holding the wand he knew. It was Snape. What was he doing there? What was wrong?

Lupin moved across into his chair. He contemplated walking, as he was slowly getting stronger without the strain of constant post-Cruciatus attacks on his body. It had been three weeks since he’d last had to endure an attack, since Snape had brought him the potion. He was able to walk a little further and use his right arm more. But in the end, he settled for his chair. The potion was a miracle for him, but he was far from strong or healthy.

By the time he reached the hallway, Harry already had the door open, and a sopping wet Snape was standing there shivering. It was raining heavily outside, and clearly he hadn’t had the presence of mind to cast a charm to keep off the rain or dry himself.

“Severus? What’s wrong? You’re soaking.”

Snape stood looking at Lupin, his eyes pleading but his lips saying nothing.

“Here,” Andromeda said, grabbing his arm to pull him inside, then wrapping a warmed towel around his shoulders. “Let’s dry you off.”

“I’m sorry, I know it’s late,” he said.

“That’s alright dear. How about you get rid of that soaking robe and we’ll get you warmed up?”

Andromeda helped him remove the dripping robe and cast a drying charm over his shirt and trousers, which were damp but not soaked.

“Shoes and socks off, they’re soaking too. I’ll transfigure you some slippers.”

Harry lit the fire in the sitting room then headed to the kitchen, returning with a mug of hot chocolate.

When Snape was sitting on the sofa with Lupin’s arm around him and hot chocolate in his hands, Lupin asked him again what was wrong.

“Is everything okay at the Institute? Is someone sick or in trouble?”

“No… oh no, sorry to alarm you. I just got upset. It’s silly, really.”

Snape hung his head and a faint flush of embarrassment coloured his cheeks.

“That’s okay, can you tell us what happened ? Or would you like Harry and Andromeda to leave us?

Snape shook his head.

“They’ll probably want to know,” he mumbled. “Harry will… probably have to report it.”

Harry sat silently, watching as his former teacher looked nervously at him through his hair before turning back to Lupin.

“Report what, love.”

“I had a nightmare, and I woke up. And then I remembered... I remembered what happened at the final battle. And after.”

“You remember how you survived?”

Snape nodded.

Harry shifted in his seat. He’d argued for some time with the Ministry over whether Snape had remembered or not. The Ministry was sure he was hiding something. Harry was equally sure that the confused and broken man found wandering through Hogsmeade simply had no idea. He watched and said nothing. The Ministry had finally left him alone about it, and if there was nothing the Ministry needed to know, then he wasn’t planning on saying anything.

Snape was leaning in to Lupin, his head against the werewolf’s shoulder. Finally he lifted it and, after briefly looking Lupin in the eye, began to speak.

“Voldemort never wanted to kill me. That would have been too… merciful. He… he wanted me to suffer.”

Snape shoulders were tense and he balled his hands into fists.

“Months before that day, he had me create a potion for him, like Draught of the Living Death, only… worse, I suppose. The victim would appear dead for hours, most of a day… then revive. It would heal their wounds and deliver a healthy prisoner. It was called Celo Vivus. Concealed life.

“The Order was generally rather determined to recover any members who were captured. But people don’t worry quite so much about a body. He was specific in his request – he wanted it to work if injected. I realised then what he was planning – I’d created poisons for Nagini to… deliver before… “

Snape’s voice caught as he spoke.

“I didn’t expect him to use it on me.”

He was shaking, and Lupin took the hot chocolate from him and put it on the table, before taking one hand in his.

“What happened, love?”

“I remember Harry. When he found me there. I gave him the memories he needed. And then…“

Snape looked across at the young man who was nervously pushing his hair back from his face.

“Then… I don’t really remember much until… I woke up. Or whatever it’s called when you come to after… Everything hurt. I was confused. I was cold. I saw a blanket, so I reached out to take it… it… it was…”

Snape began to tremble more violently. He clung closer to Lupin, steadying his hands by holding on to the werewolf’s arm.

“I felt my stomach churn, then I wasn’t in the shack. It was a portkey, and I was in… it was pitch dark, damp, a cellar. I felt around a bit, it was so dark, I didn’t have a wand… It might have been the cellar of the Lestrange house, but I wasn’t sure. My mind was… things were confused. There were gaps… The blanket didn’t work as a portkey to take me back, there were wards stopping it. I could tell that the place was warded up tight. I realised what he intended, that when battle was finished he intended to come and… have his fun.”

Snape released a shuddering breath and was silent. He leaned his head on Lupin’s shoulder, and focused on the warm arm wrapped around him.

“It’s alright, love, I’m here. Just take your time.”

“I explored it as well as I could, that first day. I felt ill, but I wasn’t… my injuries were healed. I was scared, but I… I was always scared. There was no way out I could find. When I got tired, I huddled under the blanket and waited. For Voldemort, for Bellatrix, whoever… nobody came. The cellar was damp, on one wall there was water that dripped down the stones. I licked the stones for the water, otherwise I’d have died. There was nothing to eat, but… well, a body can go a while without food. I could hear rats scuttling around… I thought they were rats… after a few days I was hungry enough to contemplate trying to catch one… after that I stopped caring. I licked the damp stones and curled under my blanket. I didn’t move much after a while, the rats crawled all over me, they were big and I realised that they were flovs. I was too far gone to realise what that meant. And then, at some point, I think maybe the wards were weakened by the flovs. The blanket portkey took me back to the shack. I left the blanket and just walked out of the shack…”

Lupin breathed slowly, gently, the movement of his body aimed at calming the shaking man in his arms. He whispered softly to Snape as the former spy’s body relaxed and tears began to run down his face.

“It’s alright, love, shh now. It’s all over, you’re safe now.”

He rocked Snape gently and murmured to him as the man wept against his shoulder.

“I felt so alone… nobody was coming… nobody… I was so scared…”

“I know, sweetheart, I know. But I’m here now, we’re all here, you’re not alone anymore.”

Snape clung to Lupin until the crying eased. Finally, he lifted his head and gave a shaky sigh.

“Can I stay here tonight, Remus? Please?”

“Of course, love.”

He dropped his head back to Lupin’s shoulder and relaxed a little. Lupin looked across to Andromeda and Harry, who had gone pale.

“I left him there,” Harry whispered.

Andromeda moved across to him and gave him a hug.

“It’s not your fault Harry, you know that.”

He nodded, then stood and moved across to Snape.

“Severus, I’m sorry, but there’s something I have to ask you,” he said.

Snape looked up and nodded slowly.

“Is it possible that there’s anyone else who was a victim of this? Anyone else we thought was dead, but could have been imprisoned as you were?”

Snape drew a sharp breath of surprise.

“Merlin, I… that never crossed my mind, I have no idea.”

“I think I will have to tell the Ministry, Severus. I’m sorry. Because if there’s a chance that someone else was affected…”

“I know. I understand. It would be… if there was someone where the body disappeared, then perhaps. But if the body was seen more than twelve hours after they died, then… well it won’t be them. And it wouldn’t work with the killing curse.”

Snape looked at Andromeda and then Lupin, then dropped his eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“Severus, you don’t need to apologise. It’s alright.”

Harry took a slow breath.

“Severus, I don’t think there was anyone whose body wasn’t accounted for in the end, but I’ll talk to Kingsley. He will need to know, but I’ll try not to drag too many aurors into it, okay?”

“Thank you, Harry.”

Harry patted Snape on the shoulder and walked from the room, followed by Andromeda. Lupin shifted himself to his chair and moved toward the door.

“Come on, Severus, you need some rest now.”

Snape followed Lupin to the bedroom and stood in the doorway. He looked at the spare bed and then at Lupin’s.

“Please… I think I need to be close to you.”

Lupin nodded and quietly transfigured the two beds into one larger one. He climbed in and watched Snape as he hesitated.

“Would you like pyjamas, Severus?”

At Snape’s nod, he transfigured the shirt and trousers into pyjamas, then Snape kicked off his slippers and climbed under the covers.

Snape lay there a while, on his back, tense, until Lupin leaned across and slipped an arm around his waist. He pulled himself closer and rested his head close to Snape’s on the pillow.

“I’m sorry, that you are upset, love, but I’m not sorry you are here.”

Snape felt Lupin’s breath against his ear and turned his head. Lupin moved closer and kissed him. After a moment, he pulled away and lay there silently, waiting to see if Snape would respond. Sometimes, Snape simply froze when Lupin kissed him, and Lupin backed away. But increasingly often he had begun to kiss Lupin back.

“I need you, Remus. I’m scared, but I need to be with you. Please.”

Lupin moved closer again, bringing their lips together in a gently questioning kiss. He opened his mouth and allowed his teeth to graze Snape’s lower lip until his gasp gave Lupin entry to his mouth. The hand on Snape’s waist began to slide up his body and across his chest. He gently brushed against one nipple and Snape gave a faint moan.

“Is this what you want, Severus?” Lupin said, pulling away for a moment and looking at the faint glint of Snape’s eyes in the dark room.

“I think… I’m not sure… I think so.”

Lupin brushed his fingers across Snape’s cheek.

“If there’s anything I do that you don’t like, anything you don’t want, just tell me, okay? If you want me to stop, just say so and I will.”

Snape turned his head slightly to kiss the fingers that gently grazed his face.

“Yes,” he said.

Lupin moved his hand back down, nimble fingers unbuttoning the pyjama top and sliding his hand inside. With fingers and lips and tongue and teeth he caressed the body that lay before him, savouring the scratch of sparse hair across the chest, the way the spine arched, just slightly, at a particularly intense sensation, the way the muscles tensed then relaxed under his touch.

Then he slid his hand down, inside the waistband of the trousers, to stroke the swelling erection inside. Snape gasped and his body stilled.

“What... what are you going to do?”

“I thought just this love, just my hand on you, if you want that.”

His thumb moved over the tip, the touch so light it was almost like a feather.

“Yes, yes, Lupin, please.”

“Lupin? Really?”

His fingers closed more firmly around Snape’s penis.

“You’re calling me Lupin when I’ve got my hand on your cock?”

The voice was gentle, almost a laugh in his tone. Snape whimpered.

“Remus… ah… love… yes…”

He abandoned himself to the sensations, to the hand of the man who held him. He felt warm, he felt safe, he felt… Merlin… he felt waves of sensation radiate out across his skin and a contraction at his groin. He cried out at his release and felt the soft lips on his, as if they were capturing the sound. As the sensations faded, the hand moved away and he realised that Lupin was taking care of himself.

Snape reached across to hold Lupin’s hand.

“I can… let me help.”

Together they brought Lupin to his climax, then lay back quietly, their breaths a little short, words abandoning them.

Finally Lupin moved.

“I’ll get us cleaned up. Quick spell…” he waved a hand. “There.”

Snape felt Lupin’s now-clean hand move to his cheek. He could still smell himself, the spell hadn’t taken that away. And he realised that his cheek was wet and that Lupin was wiping away his tears.

“Severus, are you crying?”

“I’m sorry, I just… I don’t know.”

“Did anything I did hurt you or make you feel afraid?”

“No, no… I had no idea it could be like that, Remus. I feel… wonderful.”

“That’s good. That’s how it’s supposed to make you feel, you know. I must be doing something right.”

Snape moved his hand across and touched Lupin’s face.

“Thank you. Thank you for being so patient. You make me feel so safe and so… loved.”

“You are safe, and you are loved, you know.”

“Yes. I think that I can finally believe that.”

Lupin moved himself across so his cheek rested on Snape’s chest. They lay in silence until Snape thought Lupin was nearly asleep. He tried to banish the thought that appeared, but it wouldn’t leave him. It had surfaced so many times when he was with the werewolf, but he’d pushed it away. He had known he wasn’t ready. Now, maybe, he thought he was.

“Remus, I need to say something to you. I… I owe you an apology.”

“Hmm?” Lupin said sleepily. “You don’t need to apologise. You were lovely.”

“No, I do. I never thanked you.”

He was silent a moment, trying to collect his thoughts and willing himself to remain calm.

“Thank me for what?”

Lupin’s hand reached for his and squeezed.

“I don’t understand, love.”

“That night, at school, in the… Room of Requirements. I… I never thanked you. I was so ashamed that you knew what had… that you knew my secret, and so I was awful to you afterwards. I’m sorry. You have no idea how much your kindness meant to me. So… thank you for being there when nobody else was.”

“Oh, love.”

Lupin gave him a gentle kiss then resumed his place against Snape’s chest.

“Thank you for saying that. I know it must have been hard for you. Just… please, always know you should never be ashamed for what happened. You did nothing wrong.”

Snape felt himself lose control once again, and tears began to run down his face.

“Oh, Merlin, I’m sorry.”

Lupin face was suddenly close to his, a frown of concern marking his forehead.

“Love, it’s alright.”

“I’m so sorry. I’ve... I’ve wanted to say that for so long, but I didn’t think I could without falling apart, and I thought maybe I could now, but…”

“Shh now, it’s okay.”

“No.. you don’t need this pathetic behaviour, me turning up in the middle of the night because… me getting into a panic… me being a useless… a useless wreck.”

Lupin reached his hand out and brushed some of the loose hairs away from Snape’s face.

“I don’t need it, no,” Lupin said, his voice calm but firm. “If you were never to get upset like this, over a nightmare, over a memory, over whatever… well, you are right, I’d be just fine. But then, you don’t need me to be a helpless mess after the full moon, or maudlin over Dora or incapable of moving myself around the house. Nonetheless, it happens. That’s how it is, that’s who I am now, and that’s who you are.

“But it’s not all the time, is it? Tomorrow, we’ll wake up. You’ll help Wormwood and teach the children, I’ll look after Teddy as best as I can and know that Andromeda is there for what I can’t do. Maybe you’ll come in the evening and read to Teddy before bed, or we will play chess or you will talk to Harry about Lily. By the way, will you ever set him straight on that?”

Snape managed a weak smile.

“I tried, but he wasn’t really getting it. And then I thought it doesn’t matter, does it? He seems to know about us and is okay, and you were married to Dora, so why couldn’t I have loved Lily like that? I think it means something to him. And I did love her, just not...”

Lupin was silent a moment.

“I didn’t think of it like that. But I think you’re right.”

“Perhaps I’ve been spending too much time with Andromeda. Her rightness is catching.”

Lupin gave a gentle laugh.

“Maybe, my love.

Lupin pushed himself up for a moment and leaned over to place a brief kiss on Snape’s cheek.

“I love you, Severus. I know things are difficult sometimes, but we can do this, can’t we. We’re survivors, the two of us. We’ll be alright.”

Snape moved his head and returned the kiss on Lupin’s lips.

“Yes, my darling. Yes, we will.”