Loose ends chapter 39 - Reciprocation

Lupin realises how he really feels and Snape doesn’t react well. PG.

This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc.

Reciprocation
Lucretia, Wormwood and Snape had discussed the potion for a couple of hours without coming to any firm conclusion. They all agreed it was close, but there was something not right. Eventually, Lucretia reminded the two men that they needed to eat, sending them to the dining hall while she checked on Lupin.

She joined them a short time later, looking a little more relaxed.

“He’s doing okay, although he’s still asleep with the potions I gave him. One of the knees is looking so good, I won’t need to redo the treatment. The other needs one more dose, but I don’t need to do it for a couple more hours.”

“You said you’ve done that treatment dozens of times. On Remus.”

Snape was hesitant to raise it again, but he couldn’t get Lupin’s agony out of his head.

“When he first came to the Institute,” Lucretia replied, “his injuries were severe. He nearly died, and for wounds like that… the treatment needed to be… repeated. Both the external treatment, and taking the potion. Someone less determined would not have survived it. And he was so nice about it. I hated doing the treatment, but he… he thanked me. Every time.”

Lucretia’s face showed more expression than Snape had ever seen. She almost looked as if she would cry.

“It’s so horrible. In my family… the men are always sent out if there is any danger. That’s how it is. So if anyone got shot, it would be a man. And while the women thought it was worth their while to save their men if they were injured, they didn’t see the point in coming up with at treatment that was less… traumatic.”

Lucretia looked at her plate and sighed again. Then she composed herself.

“Sorry about that. If there’s one thing that gets me, it’s the Argyria treatment.”

“You should just rejoice that it exists, Lucretia,” Wormwood said. “No alunar potion maker cared enough to create any treatment to help werewolves, except wolfsbane, and that was aimed at making werewolves harmless to others, not enhancing the lives of werewolves. I’m certainly grateful to your family for the creation of Argyria. Because it means Remus is alive.”

Lucretia gave Wormwood a small smile.

“You are right of course, love. Thank you.”

Lucretia sat and ate for a few minutes, before looking up at Snape.

“Did you want to go and sit with him for a bit? He’s still sleeping, but he’s likely to wake within the next hour or so. It would be good if someone was there. He’d be glad to see you.”

“That’s hardly likely. Not after what I did to him today.”

“He’s not upset with you Severus.”

Snape gave her a sceptical look.

“Please, just go and sit with him. Someone needs to watch him, and Wormwood and I have things to do.”

Snape nodded and left the dining hall. He realised that he didn’t know whether he wanted to sit with Lupin or not. All he could feel was guilt for having hurt him. Seeing Lupin in pain because of his own stupid actions was agony. But, he reminded himself, he deserved the agony of watching, if it helped Lupin. If Lupin could stand to see him there.

He opened the door to his room with some trepidation. There was no response from Lupin, whose face was unusually relaxed in his drugged sleep. Lupin’s chair was there, and he brought it over beside the bed. Then he sat and watched. He suspected that Lucretia hadn’t literally meant that someone needed to watch Lupin, but he did it anyway. He watched the slow rise and fall of his chest, the frown and smile lines, the paleness of the skin marred by still-red or white scars and the way a few stray hairs clung to his cheek. He seldom had the opportunity to watch Lupin without him noticing, and he carefully memorised each scar, each blemish, each angle where skin stretched over bone.

Snape watched the werewolf for half an hour before he noticed tension creep back into the face.

“Lupin?” he said softly.

Lupin opened his eyes.

“Remus,” he replied. “I thought I was Remus now.”

Snape looked away.

“Sorry, Remus.”

“It’s alright, Severus.”

Lupin’s words were spoken with an intensity that made Snape look back at him.

“It’s alright, Severus,” he said again.

“No it’s not. I hurt you.”

“Well, I was the one who didn’t look where I was kneeling and failed to notice the broken glass and spilled potions.”

“But I… I…”

“Yes, Severus, you are an idiot. Please promise me you won’t test potions again like that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yes, I know. I forgive you, alright.”

Snape nodded, looking away in embarassment under Lupin’s intense gaze. There was an uncomfortable silence.

“Are you trying to take my job, Remus?” Snape said eventually.

“Severus?”

“Calling me an idiot. It’s my job to call you an idiot.”

“Well, you know,” Lupin replied, a lighter tone to his voice. “Sharing the load and all that.”

Snape looked up to see Lupin’s lovely smile on him. There was something in his eyes that he couldn’t place though. The werewolf began to move, struggling awkwardly to a seated position. Snape stepped closer, putting his arms around him, lifting him up and putting pillows behind his back. He pulled away, but found himself trapped, Lupin’s arm around his waist.

Snape looked into unreadable blue eyes, then away.

“I thought I’d lost you today,” Lupin said softly. “I realised… I’ve lost so many people I loved. I realise that I didn’t want to lose you too. I am an idiot. I didn’t see how much you meant to me until I nearly lost you.”

Lupin leaned forward and kissed him, his lips brushing Snape’s for just the briefest moment. He pulled back briefly, then moved closer again. This time his lips were firmer, warm and lingering.

For a few moments, Snape was still with surprise. He felt himself begin to respond, melting into the embrace and the searching lips, before his brain caught up with his body and he jerked away, breaking out of Lupin’s embrace.

“Lupin, what are you doing?”

“It’s Remus,” Lupin replied, and captured his hand.

“Remus,” Snape replied. “Why…? Have you gone insane?”

“Severus. I’m not insane. Just a bit dense for not realising what I wanted until I thought it was gone.”

“And what makes you think it’s what I want,” Snape replied, his jaw tense.

“Severus,” Lupin said. “I said I was a bit dense. But I’m not completely blind.”

He leaned forward again, brushing another soft kiss against Snape’s lips.

Snape pulled his hand free from Lupin’s and fled the room.

Loose ends chapter 40 - Apologies

Lupin tries to apologise for kissing Snape, but the problem is that he’s not sorry. PG. Angst.

This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc.

Apologies
Lucretia was unimpressed to find that Snape had deserted his post watching Lupin.

“Did you yell at him again?”

“Not exactly,” Lupin replied, reluctant to explain exactly how he had upset Snape.

“Shall I send Wormwood to find him?”

Lupin shook his head.

“I don’t think that will help. Maybe later.”

“Leave him to get over his sulk, then?”

“Something like that.”

Lupin endured his treatment, then allowed Lucretia to return him home, assuming Snape would want his room back. He asked her to pass an apology to Snape, and gratefully took the offered sleeping potion. There was a nagging feeling in his mind that he’d messed everything up, but he knew that there was nothing to be done until he felt less like throwing up. However he wasn’t entirely sure how much of that feeling was due to the Argyria treatment, and how much was guilt. He thought knew how Snape felt about him, but he’d still made an awfully big assumption in kissing him. Now, he was doubting his judgement. He was afraid he’d driven the man away.

For the next few days, it seemed as if he really had driven Snape away. He heard nothing from him, and when Lucretia visited she could offer no insight. Snape was apparently his usual self, although she conceded that he did seem grumpier than usual. Lupin drew the line at asking Andromeda to write a letter for him, and he had too little energy to use the automatic quill. So he brooded and continued to feel guilty.

It took days for his magic to recover enough to dictate a small note without the quill embellishing his words, as it did when he had less control. When he finally felt strong enough, he shut his bedroom door, cast a silencing spell and attempted to craft the perfect apology note.

After the fourth try, he was close to throwing the quill across the room in frustration. He sat and brooded some more until he heard the door handle turn and Andromeda entered his room.

“Remus? I’m sorry to walk in on you, but you weren’t answering my knock. Teddy’s down for his nap and I thought…”

She stepped further into the room, a cup of tea in one hand.

“Silencing spell?” she asked.

Lupin gave a sigh. He could hardly complain that she was checking he was okay. He’d been horribly ill and then, despite his efforts to cover it, obviously upset.

“I was writing a letter. I didn’t want to be overheard dictating it. It’s… personal.”

“To Severus?”

There was a knowing look on Andromeda’s face as she placed the tea on the bedside table, within easy reach of his left hand.

“Given what happened, I’d have expected him to have come to see you. Since he hasn’t, I assume there was something… were you very angry at him?”

Lupin shook his head.

“Well, I was, but only briefly. That’s not what upset him. It’s… complicated.”

Lupin gave a deep sigh and reached for the tea. He avoided Andromeda’s eyes.

“Talk to me, Remus, please. I know you don’t… like to talk to me about these things, but please… you can’t keep just… sulking.”

“I’m not sulking,” Lupin responded in a distinctly sulky voice, before realising what he was saying.

“Oh Merlin, I’m sorry Meda. I realise I’m being… I’m acting like a moody teenager, aren’t I?”

She gave a small smile.

“There is a slight resemblance, yes. Although you don’t eat nearly enough to be a teenager.”

Lupin attempted a return smile, although it was rather weak. Andromeda sat down on the spare bed and summoned her cup of tea. It floated gently into the room and she put out her hand.

“I’ve never seen you spill a drop doing that. It’s an admirable skill.”

“Changing the subject on me, Remus Lupin?”

He gave a sigh.

“Probably. I…”

Another sigh.

“I’m sorry, Meda. I’m not trying to shut you out, really. I…”

Lupin shook his head in frustration and gave up trying to find the words. How could he tell Dora’s mother that he’d kissed Snape?

“Look, Remus, I know this is hard for you. I don’t want to pry, but please let me help. I can see you are upset and… please, dear, there must be something I can do.”

Andromeda was so sincerely concerned that Lupin felt more guilty than ever. He put down his tea, and reached across to give her a hug.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t… well, I don’t really know if there’s anything you can do.”

He picked up his tea and took another sip.

“Well, if Severus is being…” she rolled her eyes as she searched for the right word. “If he’s being his usual self, maybe I can talk some sense into him. I think it helped last time.”

“Last time?”

“When he moved back to the flat and barely spoke to you. I had a talk to him and I think it helped.”

“You talked to him? When?”

“A few days before the… Sevvy incident. The Tuesday I think it was. When you visited after I spoke to him, I had the impression things were better.”

“Oh. Yes, I do remember I went on Wednesday and he was… rather more civil than usual. I did wonder what had prompted that. What did you talk about? I can’t imagine him responding well to a telling off.”

Andromeda took a sip of tea before speaking again.

“Well, we talked about Dora a bit, and we… discussed his feelings for you.”

Lupin’s body went still.

“His feelings for me?”

“Remus, I’m pretty sure you know what I’m talking about. I don’t think you realised then, but I think by now you’ve worked out that he’s in love with you.”

Lupin gave a sudden twitch and his tea spilled over his lap. He let out an incoherent yowl of pain. Andromeda had her wand out in a second, vanishing the burning tea.

“You okay, Remus?”

He nodded as Andromeda took the cup off him and placed it down on the table.

“Well, that was a cunning diversion, Remus, but don’t think you can change the subject now. You did ask after all.”

Lupin sighed.

“I know. Just… startled I suppose, to actually talk about it. I… I realised that there was something there with him a couple of months ago. But… Merlin, I don’t know.”

“Remus, dear, when you say you realised there was something with him, do you mean you realised he was in love with you? Or… that you both felt that way?”

Lupin’s eyes opened wide, and he suddenly felt very hot. He realised that he was starting to blush.

“I meant that he… I meant that I thought he was… had some sort… that he had feelings… some sort of feelings for me… “

He paused and looked at Andromeda, who was smiling kindly at him. Damn, it was irritating when he was upset and she was so calm about it.

“I… oh Merlin. I thought… I thought I knew how he felt… and I thought I knew… how I felt… but… oh, Meda, I kissed him. I kissed him and he ran out of the room and hasn’t spoken to me since.”

Lupin looked down, now thoroughly crimson in shame and terrified of Andromeda’s reaction. Then he felt her hand on his back, rubbing gently on his shoulder before wrapping him in her arms.

“Oh Remus, oh dear. It’s ok now, it’s ok.”

He sat there in her arms, confused and ashamed and feeling totally lost.

“I’m so sorry, Meda, I’m so sorry.”

She pulled back from him and tried to meet his eye.

“What are you on about, dear? Why are you apologising?”

He mumbled in response.

“But… Dora… you must think I’m…”

Andromeda gave a long sad sigh.

“Oh Remus. You poor thing. You silly… I… I know you loved her, I know you still do. But she’s dead, dear. Dead nearly two years. And as much as it hurts, we have to keep on living our lives as best we can.”

Andromeda’s eyes were bright with tears and she looked away for a moment.

“That’s what I’m trying to do Remus. With Ted and with Dora. I’m trying to keep them alive in my memory, and for Teddy, but go on with my life. And I honestly don’t know if I could have done that without your help. I would never, never begrudge you the chance to love again.”

“Not even if it’s Severus Snape?”

“Especially not if it’s Severus. You two are… well you are more alike than I think you realise. You have so much in common. And I’ve seen… the last month or so, I can see you’ve become closer. I think it’s been good for you. There’s a look on your face I haven’t seen in a couple of years, it appears sometimes when you are with him, or when you’ve seen him. And I don’t know if you’ve realised, but you talk about Dora more too. It’s… nice. I think that maybe you are letting go of your grief a little, and that’s a good thing.”

Lupin felt himself wrapped in another hug.

“Now, dear, you can tell me what’s happened with him.”

Lupin had confessed all then. The whole messy situation. His realisations, his assumptions, the awkward moment, Snape’s reaction, his complete failure to write a remotely acceptable apology note.

“I think your problem is that you aren’t sorry, Remus.”

“What?”

“You aren’t sorry. You are sorry that you upset him, but you aren’t exactly sorry you kissed him are you?”

Lupin couldn’t believe he was having such a conversation with his mother in law. And yet it didn’t feel entirely wrong. He’d known her a long time. Their friendship hadn’t always been easy, and for a time he’d been hurt at her disapproval of his relationship with her daughter. But then he couldn’t really blame her. He hadn’t believed he was right for Dora either. And now, here he was, confessing feelings for a man he’d never even considered as… as what?

He shook his head and looked up at Andromeda.

“I think you’re right. I’m not sorry I kissed him. At least, I’m not sorry I’ve… come to feel that way about him. Or that I’ve shown him how I feel. But I… assumed things, and I upset him. I think I scared him, to be honest. I should have been more… cautious.”

“So tell him that.”

Lupin nodded.

“You’re right, Meda.”

“Of course I’m right. I’m your mother-in-law, and we are always right.”

“I’ll bear that in mind.”

Andromeda gave him a smile, and patted his shoulder again.

“There is one thing, Remus.”

“Oh?”

“I think he might… well, he said that he loved you, that time we spoke. But he also said he was wrong for you. He said… you needed an equal.”

“An equal? I don’t… do you know what he meant?”

“Not someone who needed rescuing, he said. I think he felt… well, he doesn’t have a very high opinion of himself.”

“That… makes sense, I think. And a few months ago, it was probably true. But not now. We are… what we have… it’s different now. I know he still struggles, but… he’s so strong. It’s taken such courage for him to do what he’s done, to come back from where he was. He’s… amazing.”

“I’ll leave you to work out how to tell him that then, shall I?”

“Thanks, Meda, thank you so much.”

She gave him a smile, and walked out of the room, leaving a much happier werewolf behind.