Loose ends chapter 37 - Friends

Lupin and Snape discuss the owl chicks and Snape is shocked by what Lupin did during the wars. R. Reference to dub-con and oblique reference to rape.

This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc

Friends
Athene turned up with a note from Andromeda the next day.

Dear Severus,

It was lovely to see you yesterday. I don’t know exactly what you discussed with Remus, but whatever it was, thank you. He was clearly feeling much happier after your visit. He does find the full moon hard, and it’s coming up to the anniversary of Dora’s death as well, so it’s not surprising that he’s hit a rough patch. If you were able to drop by more often, I think it would be good for him. He needs a friend right now, and he loves hearing about the children.

Yours sincerely,

Andromeda

P.S. Moros and Matahari’s chicks are now nearly fledged. There are three which have survived. Remus would like to discuss your thoughts about assigning them. I know Remus would be quite keen to have one of his own, even though he may not admit it and really has very little use for an owl.

Snape stood in the lab, reading his letter several times. It made him smile that Andromeda said Lupin had been happier. It wasn’t so bad, being a friend.

Snape visited Lupin the next day. The werewolf was listless and had little to say, and Snape found himself rambling about the children and the Institute in order to fill a sullen silence. He gave Lupin an account of the what the children had been doing before shifting to the owls, thinking that perhaps one of Lupin’s favourite topics would draw the man out.

“I was thinking about Nick. Nick Miller. He’s not allowed an owl since he’s a werewolf and a muggle. But it would be a real help if he had one, with planning things for the school. So a stealth owl would be perfect. You know he’s helping quite a bit with the children. You know Nick, don’t you?”

“Oh, I know Nick,” Lupin replied, in a tone which had Snape’s attention immediately. Lupin knew Nick. What did that mean? He knew him? Snape felt himself tense.

Then Lupin gave a deep, sad sigh.

“I turned him.”

“You… you what?”

“I turned him, Severus. I bit him. I made him into a werewolf.”

“Oh… oh. Fucking hell.”

“Yes, quite.”

“I’m sorry. I… I… Does he know.”

Lupin gave a mute nod, now avoiding Snape’s gaze.

“What happened, Lupin? Remus. How…?”

“He was my first. My initiation. I had to prove I was serious. Be accepted by Greyback and the pack. It wasn’t all about bottom sniffing and playing chase.”

“Your first? There were others?”

“At least two more for certain. Maybe others. Some of the attacks were rather… chaotic. It wasn’t exactly clear who bit whom. One of the definite ones is still alive. You won’t know him. He transforms in a cage at home rather than come to the Institute. Doesn’t want to come to a place where I am.”

“But Nick… I’ve seen you talking to him. He seems quite friendly to you. Does he blame you?”

“At first, yes, but not any more. I told him, once he was with the pack, that I had turned him. He didn’t want anything to do with me then, but I did help him get away in the end. And later, there were others who told him why I was there, that I was a spy, that I’d helped others get away, especially the children… Still, I think he’s been remarkably forgiving. He doesn’t need to be nice about it, he just is.”

Lupin sat looking at his hands, not bothering to hide the pain on his face.

“You… you got them out? The children? Was that part of your mission there?”

“Not exactly, no.”

There was an edge to Lupin’s tone, something Snape had come to recognise as a sign of intense emotion in the normally calm werewolf.

“My mission was… complicated. When it became apparent I wasn’t going to turn certain influential werewolves away from Voldemort, I was to… appear as if they had convinced me, to go over to their side, integrate into the pack, appear that I was bringing them information from the Order, you know the drill, Severus.”

“I’m somewhat familiar, yes,” Snape replied. “So, the purpose of that was to get the children out?”

“The purpose of that was to gather information and pass it to the Order,” Lupin snapped back, his voice bitter. “Smuggling out children or anyone else was expressly not a part of my mission. As I was reminded repeatedly.”

Snape watched the fingers of Lupin’s left hand curl into a fist.

“But I couldn’t just ignore it… with what was going on, with what was happening to Matilda and Red… how could I leave the children there? I got about half of them out… the rest… didn’t make it.”

“Red?”

Snape eyes flicked up to Lupin’s face, and away again just as quickly as he caught the expression.

“I… realised about Matilda, but not… I wondered… with Red… there were times… shit.”

Snape felt his stomach begin to churn and his voice faltered. He went silent.

“Severus, I’m sorry, I… I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Snape shook his head.

“You didn’t. All the children, I can see it in them, they’ve all been through hell in various ways. I just don’t think about it a lot I suppose. But it’s probably best I know.”

He gave a very deep sigh.

“They were all with Greyback’s pack, weren’t they?”

Lupin nodded.

“And were they all ones that you got out?”

Lupin nodded again.

“I managed one or two at a time, each time with one of the adults who were… sympathetic, that way it would look as if they’d gone together… so maybe they wouldn’t suspect I was involved. Dumbledore was not very happy with me, nor Kingsley. But… damn them, what was I supposed to do?”

“I’m sorry, Lupin, that must have been… difficult.”

“Remus.”

Snape paused, confused.

“Remus, you called me Remus the other day.”

“Oh, so I did.”

“I think we’ve been through enough together to be on first name terms, don’t you, Severus?”

Snape gave a slow nod.

“You are probably right… Remus.”

Lupin gave him a small smile, although it wasn’t one of the magical ones. It didn’t reach his stiil-sad eyes.

“Are you trying to change the subject on me, Remus?”

The smile faded.

“Sorry, I suppose I am. I don’t like to think about what I did in those days. They aren’t among my happiest memories. I… I killed people, Severus, or turned them, I hardly know what’s worse. I had to turn a blind eye to what was going on in the camp… I keep dreaming about it.”

Snape looked across at the werewolf, who looked back at him with haunted eyes.

“You can’t… you can’t blame yourself for those things. You were there for a reason, you were seving the Order, to help ensure Voldemort’s defeat. And you did save seven children. ”

“I’m afraid that doesn’t really comfort me, coming from you. I know you won’t forgive yourself for what you did when you were a spy.”

“That’s not the same. I was… I joined willingly. I later turned back to… the right side, but… I had to make amends.”

Snape closed his eyes, but felt a hand on his arm, and opened them again.

“Look at us,” Lupin said with a faint smile. “What a pair. All tangled up in guilt and memories and recrimination. Dora would have told me I’m an idiot. That I needed to get over myself. Put the things I did as a soldier behind me and think about the happier things in my life. Easier said than done, of course, but I think she was right.”

Snape gave a shrug.

“If it helps you… if you need someone to call you an idiot, I’d be happy to oblige.”

That earned him a proper smile, the kind that warmed him, that almost made him feel as if things were okay, that almost make him feel as if he deserved it. Almost.

“Thank you, Severus, that’s so very kind of you.”

There it was, that wonderful sarcastic politeness that he enjoyed so much when they sparred together.

“You’re an idiot.”

Another smile, held for a few moments before fading.

“In my dreams, I see her. Dora. People I killed, people the pack killed, everyone ever killed in front of me. I keep seeing them die, but they all have Dora’s face. That’s why I can’t sleep. I still keep thinking, if I’d been there at the final battle, I could have saved her. Actually, I keep thinking that if I’d been there, she wouldn’t have felt obliged to go at all, wouldn’t have worried that the moron taking my place would endanger the children.”

“Those what ifs… they’re a bastard aren’t they.”

Lupin sighed.

“You’re not wrong there.”

“I… I keep thinking… what if I hadn’t told Voldemort about the prophecy. He might have left them alone… Lily might have survived. Harry might have grown up with parents.”

“You know that Voldemort would have found out another way, don’t you? He had Peter. Peter was passing him all sorts of information.”

“Maybe, I suppose. But we’ll never know, and I have to live with me being the one.”

Lupin’s hand was on his arm.

“I know.”

“But I wish you’d been their secret keeper, Remus. You’d have kept her safe.”

“In hindsight… yes. But at the time…”

He paused a moment, composing himself.

“Albus told them not to trust me.”

“What, because you were a werewolf?”

Indignation crept into Snape’s tone.

“I don’t actually know what he said. I just know he said something.”

“Why would he do that, Remus?” Snape didn’t bother to hide his confusion.

“He… didn’t want me to hold sensitive information… that might be dangerous in… the wrong hands.”

“Why you, Remus? Why was it dangerous for you to hold that information.”

Lupin seemed to shrink into himself. He looked down and began to pick at the blanket covering his knees.

“Because,” he mumbled, “I was… sleeping with Walden MacNair.”

“WHAT?”

Lupin flinched, as if struck, at Snape’s exclamation.

“Fuck, I’m sorry Remus,” Snape said, in a gentler voice. “I didn’t mean to shout at you.”

Snape reached out and placed a hand on Lupin’s arm.

“Remus, I know I… I did hear that you had a reputation for… rather low standards…” Snape paused awkwardly. “But even then, I wouldn’t have thought you’d be that desperate. MacNair. Gods, that’s… how could you? Why would…”

Snape’s voice faded and a look of horror crept over his face.

“Remus... did… did Albus ask you to do it?”

Lupin nodded, chewing at his lip and looking at the floor.

“The bastard, the utter bastard. If I hadn’t killed him already, I’d wish I had right now. How could he ask you to do that? MacNair was an utter sadist.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed,” Lupin responded, in an acid tone which indicated he most certainly had.

Snape was silent for a moment, then shook his head.

“I can’t believe he’d ask that of you. And yet I can. I just… fuck.”

Lupin crossed his arms across his chest defensively.

“MacNair was careless, sloppy. A good target. And at that time I was, as you mentioned, a little desperate. I’d sleep with anyone, woman or man, who showed the slightest interest in me. Albus wasn’t asking me to do something far outside what I was doing already… I… got used to the idea that people would take advantage. Albus just… took advantage of that in a different way. It… I got some useful information.”

“But still…” Snape shook his head, his expression still horrified. “Did he hurt you?”

“Of course he hurt me. He didn’t enjoy anything unless it involved inflicting pain. Andromeda was the one who ended up patching me up most of the time… it’s how we first became friends, I suppose.”

“That must have been awkward, her knowing that, when you were marrying her daughter.”

“It was… complicated, but… well. She did know. Dora. She knew it all and she still didn’t flinch from me. Gods, I still miss her so much.”

Lupin sighed and looked up at Snape with a sad smile, his eyes bright with unshed tears.

“I don’t really want to talk about this, you know. But… I’m glad you’ve heard it now. So you know you’re not the only one. Well, that you and Harry weren’t the only two… who suffered for the Grand Plan.”

Snape was silent, unsure what he could say. He watched the way Lupin turned to look out the window, the way his lips pressed together as he composed himself, the way his shoulders sagged as he let out a heavy sigh. And then Snape realised that words weren’t what the werewolf needed.

“Lupin…”

He corrected himself when he saw the werewolf’s slight frown.

“Remus…”

The frown relaxed.

“Would you… er… may I… hug you?”

Snape suddenly found Lupin in his arms. He held him there for longer than he thought he should, just feeling the tension in his body slowly melt away. It was what a friend would do, he realised, be there to listen, be there with a hug when comfort was needed. And he was Lupin’s friend.

“You know we didn’t get very far with the owls, did we?”

Snape relucantly released the werewolf from his arms, looking somewhat puzzled for a moment.

“The owls. Merlin, we didn’t did we? We were talking about Nick?”

“Yes, and I agree we should give him one of the owls. I’m sure Clarridge will be happy with that too. He had a suggestion of one of his friends who is also a squib and married to a muggle. She’s been doing some work for him – there seems to be enough liaison work for about three Clarridges. It’s obviously essential for her to have an owl, but not legal either, so an unregistered stealth owl would be a great help.”

“I also agree that that sounds very sensible. Clarridge takes on far too much work for one man. Did he suggest anyone else.”

“No, just her.”

“So that leaves one. And I have no more suggestions either. So, one for you then.”

“I’m not sure I can think of anyone.”

“One for you, Remus. To keep, not to assign.”

“I… I don’t have any use for an owl. Can’t write, don’t even have the magical strength to use an automatic quill half the time. And there’s Athene anyway.”

“Yes, but you’d love to keep one, wouldn’t you? And you’ve spent so much time out in that shed with them, the chicks have practically imprinted on you. Clarridge would want you to have one too, I’m sure.”

For a moment, Snape thought that Lupin would refuse. But then the hesitation left his face.

“You’re right, Severus, it would be just lovely. And I can hardly bear to see any of them gone. At least if I have one stay…”

“You can send the children pictures from Teddy. I’ll be sure to get them to write thank you letters back.”

Snape looked up at where several pieces of paper covered with colourful smears of paint were stuck to the wall. Teddy was still more inclined to eat the paint or smear it over his father than get it on the page, but he seemed to enjoy it, and Lupin had fun painting with him. He couldn’t laugh at Lupin for hanging the pictures on his wall either, he’d put one of them up in his own room.