Loose ends chapter 34 - Transformation

The full moon is hard on Lupin, and Snape is a little less unfriendly. Angsty, illness. PG.

This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc

Transformation
Snape continued preparing potion ingredients for Wormwood. His former student arrived in the lab before breakfast every morning, and Snape got in the habit of joining him in a friendly silence as they chopped, sliced, crushed and ground in preparation for the day’s brewing. There were always potions needed, whether for the magical creatures at the Institute or for the werewolves. Under Wormwood’s watchful eye, he began trying to brew some of the simpler potions, this time with more success. He relearned Purvis’s Pain Potion, yet again, and delivered it to Lupin at the farmhouse. He kept savouring the look of joy on Lupin’s face for the rest of the week.

He visited Lupin more regularly after that, feeling less need to hide himself away. He didn’t have time to walk Grimmy for hours, but he read to Teddy, and took Grimmy back sometimes to play with the children. Mephisopheles started to grow fat on treats from the Institute kitchen and Moros disappeared. He was starting to worry until Clarridge sent a note by public owl to say that Matahari had disappeared too, and was she with Moros? It was Lupin who spotted them, nesting in the shed behind the farmhouse. Lupin was delighted, of course, and spent a little time in the shed most days, just enjoying the owls.

Snape’s potion skills improved, and he began to try more complex potions, and while some failed, some worked. He started to get a sense of why the unsuccessful potions failed. He would try again, and they got better. He watched Wormwood brew the Wolfsbane potion, and could feel the actions in his fingers. Perhaps he would try next month. It would almost certainly fail, he wouldn’t be giving it to any of the werewolves, but maybe in a few months, he could relieve Wormwood of some of the burden of brewing sixty doses of Wolfsbane. But first, there was Postlune. It was that potion which had brought him to the Institute, and he felt somehow that if he could brew Postlune, he would know he was alright.

When the full moon came, he offered to collect Lupin, and save Harry the trip.

Lupin was surprised to see him there, he could tell.

“Hello Severus, it’s very kind of you to come.”

Lupin looked grey. He’d had a severe bout of post-Cruciatus that afternoon. When Snape held him to apparate him to the Institute, he could still feel the trembling.

“It is getting any better at all, do you think?” he asked.

Lupin shook his head. “It’s worse if anything. Sometimes I think things are improving, then it just all falls backwards. I’ll overdo something and it just feels like I’m back where I started. That’s not true of course,” Lupin said quickly. “I really am so much better than I was a year ago. But…”

Snape looked closely at Lupin’s face. This was as close as he got to a complaint. He wished he could do something more to help him.

After moonrise, Snape returned to the lab where he rechecked the series of potions he had helped his former student to prepare, ready for when the full moon set. Snape had to admire Wormwood – it was a lot of work to prepare all those potions for the thirty werewolves who transformed at the Institute, as well as thirty more who transformed elsewhere. Yet he did it every month without complaint.

After checking the potions, Snape methodically went through ingredient jars. It was what he did when he couldn’t sleep, something which still seemed to happen too often. When he lost his temper and shouted at the children, when he messed up a potion, when he couldn’t remember something that he thought he should know, when he said something stupid to Lupin and the werewolf just smiled kindly at him… When he felt he’d failed, his mind wouldn’t leave him alone. And so, in the middle of the night, he went through jars in the lab.

He would take each ingredient, search for the memories that connected to it and file them neatly away so he could find them again. Often, looking at a jar, he would remember the potions he had made. Sometimes he saw faces of people he had seen when using the ingredients. Neville Longbottom appeared, accompanied by a sense of dread, whenever he looked at the highly volatile green-spotted dragon scales. He had never been able to get the stains out of the ceiling of the Hogwarts lab. Lily appeared frequently with many of the basic ingredients, as she had been his lab partner when he was first learning. The sight of her face was always bittersweet, his first friend, his best friend, the one he had driven away to protect her from the people around him. He had thought that he had completely forgotten most of his students – for more than a year the only ones he could recall were those linked with the painful or frightening memories that he just couldn’t escape. But now, as he systematically sorted his mind along with the jars, bottles and vials, they came back to him.

The more he created neat and orderly new memories, the more he had to link the chaos of his old memories. There were more good days, and fewer bad days. He sorted through the jars until he could barely keep his eyes open, then fell asleep in the armchair in the corner of the lab. Wormwood would tell him off for sleeping there, but he wasn’t around to comment.

At the end of the night, just before the moon set, Snape headed down to changing room to look out over the wolf garden. While they kept their minds with the Wolfsbane, the werewolves were still driven very much by the wolf instincts, and hated confinement – especially those like Lupin who had been locked up without Wolfsbane in the past. He stayed inside, as even though they wouldn’t attack him, a human presence wouldn’t be comfortable for some of them. He could see Lupin lying on blankets near the edge of the patio, where he could see the garden and the other werewolves. He was as crippled in his wolf form as he was in his human. Lucretia hovered protectively nearby, she spent the night moving between the youngest cubs, Lupin and her husband. Wormwood was pacing up and down the side of the patio anxiously. A group of cubs – his children, he thought – bounded by and Lupin raised his head to watch. Seeing him awake, the cubs ran over, crouching in front of him, crawling forward, licking at his muzzle. He was able to recognise some of them in their wolf forms now. There was Red, with his pale coat, there was Oberon, being far too pushy and getting a gentle swipe across the muzzle from Keith. The cubs greeted Lucretia and Wormwood too, then they were away again, dark shapes disappearing into the distance.

When the moon set, Snape watched Lupin transform back into his human form, his body writhing itself off the blankets and onto the cold bricks. Snape opened the doors and carried a pile of clean blankets over to where he lay, dropping one beside Lucretia as he did so. He crouched down, noticing that Lupin looked even sicker and more miserable than usual. Snape tucked a blanket around him and gently lifted him onto another blanket.

“Do you think you could drink some water?”

Lupin’s mouth opened but no sound came out. Snape raised his wand, and summoned a box of potion bottles, another of cups, and a tray with jugs of water. He poured some water and lifted Lupin’s head gently to help him drink, but Lupin kept his lips pressed together.

“Feeling too sick?”

Snape took a bottle of an anti-nausea potion, pouring a little into a goblet. He lifted Lupin’s head again, and gave him a mouthful of the potion. Lupin closed his eyes, breathing heavily, sweat breaking out on his face. Suddenly his eyes opened and he looked anxiously at Snape as his chest began to heave. Snape held him, conjuring a bowl as he vomited up far more than he had apparently swallowed. When he had finished retching, Lupin sank against Snape’s arm, lacking the energy to move.

Lucretia leaned over, clutching her blanket around her body, and took Lupin’s hand. She stroked the veins at his wrist, then held out her hand to Snape.

“Celandine serum.”

He passed it across to her, then held the anti-nausea potion ready for her as she blistered Lupin’s wrist.

“Anti-nausea potion.”

She dropped several drops onto the swelling blister, waiting a moment between each.

“In a few minutes he should be able to take a little water and the first dose of Postlune,” Lucretia said, placing Lupin’s hand gently back down. “Can you take a blanket to Wormwood while you wait?”

“Of course.”

Snape looked around, and Lucretia pointed to Wormwood, who lay shivering and crying about ten metres away in the garden. He had been turned for less time than any of the other werewolves, and was still very upset by the transformation. Snape picked up a blanket and walked over to him. He crouched beside the naked man and gently covered him with the blanket.

“How are you doing, Wormwood?” he asked, placing his hand on the young man’s shoulder. The crying began to diminish, and Wormwood spoke hesitantly.

“Been better, to be honest sir.”

Snape took out his wand and placed a featherlight charm over Wormwood, before lifting him gently, still wrapped in the blanket. He carried him over and laid him on the ground next to Lucretia, who was now sitting with a blanket pulled around her. She was still pale, but already looked much better. She leaned over to Wormwood and kissed him, before beginning to administer the pain relief and healing potions.

Snape returned to Lupin’s side.

“Any better?” he asked, touching Lupin’s arm gently.

Lupin took in a deep breath.

“I…think so,” he said, hesitantly.

Snape again lifted Lupin’s head. This time the werewolf managed to drank some water and a dose of Postlune without it coming up again.

“Severus, I’ll be alright here. If you don’t mind helping the others, it would be much appreciated.”

Snape picked up more blankets and headed back into the garden. The younger werewolves tended to roam and could be tricky to find. Near the wall, he found Thomas curled into a ball and crying for his mother. Snape wrapped the boy in one of the blankets and lifted him into his arms. There was no need for a spell, he wasn’t heavy.

“Mummy,” the boy cried, and Snape held the child in close to him.

“It’s okay, don’t cry,” he said, but that had little effect, the boy cried harder.

“Hush, Thomas, it’s okay, you’re safe here.”

The child looked up at Snape.

“Hello, sir,” he murmured indistinctly, and brought his arms up to wrap them around Snape’s neck. It wasn’t the reaction he was used to from children, but he admitted that the children living at the Institute saw a different man from the teacher he had been at Hogwarts.

He looked around for the boy’s sister – she would probably be nearby. When he saw her, he walked over, carrying the other blanket he had brought, along with the boy. He passed her the blanket and she wrapped it around herself.

“I’ll back for you in a moment,” he said, and she nodded in reply.

As he walked back with the boy, he thought about Lupin. He had been turned when just slightly younger than Thomas. Snape realised that he had no idea about his family. How had they reacted? Had he been rejected, or had he been shielded from some of the horror by loving parents. Lupin had mentioned his mother occasionally – fondly, Snape recalled. On the subject of his father, Lupin had been silent.

Snape reached the patio, and Lucretia reached out her arms to take the boy.

“Sara’s near where I found him, I’ll go back for her.”

“Thanks,” she replied.

He looked across at Lupin, who met his gaze. He was trembling more than he should be. It looked like his misery this morning was going to be compounded by more of the post-Cruciatus symptoms.

“I’m alright,” he said, lying of course, but Snape took the dismissal and went to collect the girl.

When he returned, he checked Lupin again.

“I think I should take you in now. You’ll get worse and then it will be too painful for you to be moved. It’s better that you are inside and warm than lying on a cold patio.”

Lupin sighed. He clearly knew that Snape was right, but didn’t want to admit it.

Lucretia looked over, her eyes taking in Lupin’s trembling.

“Remus, there are others bringing the other werewolves in. Bill, Jimmy and Hubert are all here now. Let Severus take you inside. Use our room, we won’t be up for a while.”

Lupin agreed reluctantly, and Snape lifted him in his arms to carry him in.

Snape laid Lupin gently on Lucretia and Wormwood’s bed. They had come in not a moment too soon. Lupin was close to the state where he would not be able to tolerate touch. When an attack was bad, he couldn’t even tolerate the weight of a blanket, and barely his clothes. Snape warmed the room in anticipation, as after the transformation werewolves were always miserably chilled.

He sat beside the bed and forced himself to watch as the attack progressed. He knew that there was little he could do – the only possible treatment was the anti-crucio potion which contained both sylvanite and aconite. With the aconite alone, it would merely interfere with the Wolfsbane potion, upsetting the delicate balance of magic and making it ineffective – a serious enough consequence. With the sylvanite as well, it became toxic to werewolves, potentially deadly, especially to one in Lupin’s weakened state. He could provide little comfort either, there was nothing he could do physically that would help and Lupin would hardly be aware of his presence for most of the duration of the attack. And it probably wouldn’t make him feel better to know that Snape had sat with him and watched his agony.

Nonetheless he stayed.

After about fifteen minutes he heard footsteps behind, and turned, expecting Lucretia might stop by to check on them. Instead, he saw Harry, who had come to collect Lupin.

“Lucretia said you’d be here,” Harry said. “How is he doing?”

“Is that not apparent, Potter?” Snape replied in a voice that took Harry back to his schooldays.

Lupin lay convulsing on the bed. He appeared to be covered by a blanket, but only because Snape had charmed it to levitate slightly above him without touching him, sparing him the indignity of lying there exposed. His teeth were was clenched together, supressing the sounds of his pain into soft whimpers and moans. His eyes were tightly closed, but the occasional tear leaked from the corners. Harry suspected that Lupin was not alone in that. He noticed the redness in Snape’s eyes, it seemed the man found it has hard as Harry did to watch helplessly as Lupin suffered.

“I’m obviously not taking him home anytime soon.”

Snape shook his head.

“Do you need to go into the college today? If you need to go, I can bring him home when he’s ready.”

Harry look immediately relieved.

“Thank you, that would be a real help.”

Harry crouched by Lupin’s bed.

“I’ll see you later Remus,” he said softly, uncertain whether the man heard him or not.

Snape forced himself to stay, even though the longer he watched, the more desperate he became to escape. He had a little more control over his mind, and Lupin’s pain did not leave him completely overwhelmed with every Cruciatus he had ever seen or experienced in his life. Just some of them. He worked to control his breathing, clearing a space in his mind and then finding the door to the room where he kept the worst of the second war memories. If he could just get some of the memories into the right place, linked to the related memories, it would help. He opened the door and looked in, feeling his chest tighten. He linked the scattered Cruciatus memories to glistening threads of consciousness, dragged them into the room one by one, then directed them to a large chest, and slammed down the lid. Nearly there. He took another breath and walked from the room, and brought himself back to the present.

Lupin was looking at him with puffy eyes.

“You okay, Severus?”

“Oh, I must have been out a while, sorry, but I’m fine. Are you okay?”

“I’m over the worst. I came to and you looked like you’d blanked out. I thought you might come back as Sevvy.”

Snape shook his head.

“Sorry, I was trying to tidy things a bit. I’ve been able to do that sometimes, and… it’s helping. But I shouldn’t have done it while you were ill, I was supposed to be keeping an eye on you.”

“No, it’s quite alright.” Lupin reached across and put his hand on Snape’s arm. “I appreciate the blanket, by the way. And all your help today.”

Lupin smiled, and Snape looked back at him for a moment before diverting his eyes.

“I told Harry I’d take you back when you felt better.”

“Thanks, maybe not quite yet. I’d like to know how the others are.”

“Lucretia and Wormwood will probably be up soon, how about you rest until they come.”

Lupin nodded, close to sleep already.

It was another half hour before Snape heard two sets of footsteps, one steady, one limping, approach the room. The couple came in and Lucretia took Wormwood directly to the side of the bed where Lupin wasn’t sleeping. He lay down, breathing heavily from the effort of getting to the room.

Snape stepped over to him. He almost asked the man how he was, but it seemed like a pointless question.

Wormwood turned his head to look at Lupin.

“All those years, how has he survived it? Especially before Wolfsbane.”

“I don’t know, Wormwood. He’s tougher than he seems.”

The young man closed his eyes and gave a pained sigh. Snape reached down and touched his shoulder. It saddened him, seeing his most talented student in fifteen years at Hogwarts confined to the Institute and suffering monthly agonies. But, Snape conceded, despite being rejected from wizard society, he was using his talents well. Few potion makers had the skills to recreate the healing potions from Lucretia’s family based only on her rough notes. But Wormwood had recreated Celandine serum and the version of Wolfsbane safe for children in only a few weeks, and Postlune in a few months.

Snape moved across to Lupin, gently waking him.

“Wormwood and Lucretia are here,” he said softly.

Lupin opened his eyes. He looked across to Wormwood.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

Wormwood sighed again.

“It seems worse this month.”

“You’re not sleeping enough, Wormwood. I know you’re busy, but if you don’t rest before, you’ll pay for it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologising to me? It’s you that is suffering.”

Lupin reached across to him.

“Please, just promise me that you’ll look after yourself a bit better. That you’ll actually listen to that lovely young lady of yours.”

Wormwood smiled at Lupin.

“Okay, I promise.”

He closed his eyes and was asleep almost instantly. Lucretia stepped forward and adjusted the blankets around him.

“Nice try, Remus. But he will ignore me again next month when I try to get him to leave the lab.”

Lucretia came around and began to examine Lupin.

“Is Harry coming for you?”

“Harry came earlier,” Snape interrupted, uncertain whether Lupin had even noticed. “I told him I would take Lupin back when he was well enough to travel.”

“And how are you doing now, Remus?”

“Much better now, thanks. I’m ready.”

“Okay then, but before you go, take some more of the Postlune.”

Lupin drank a spoonful of the potion.

“No wonder Wormwood gets so little sleep. He makes so many things for us.”

“Actually, I believe this month Severus made the Postlune. Isn’t that right?”

She looked at Snape, and he nodded. Lupin could see the faintest expression of satisfaction on the man’s face.

“Severus, that’s wonderful. And it will be a real help to Wormwood too.”

“Hardly,” Snape snapped back. “He still has to supervise everything I do. And two of the batches I made were rubbish and had to be thrown out. It would be faster if he did himself. And I’m wasting his ingredients.”

Lupin knew that Snape was partly right. He was still far from competent, or safe, in a potions lab. On the other hand, it was a huge improvement. Postlune was not one of the simple potions that Snape had been largely confined to. And Lupin knew that Wormwood would never begrudge the time or ingredients for Snape to practice what he needed to. It meant the world to Wormwood to be able to help his former teacher.

There was something else too. It was a measure of just how far Snape had come that he accepted the much-needed help. It didn’t surprise Lupin that he’d taken on the teaching, since Snape had always been one to get on and do what was needed. But it was another thing for him to accept a loss of control and ask for help. Every day, he was there in the lab, patiently relearning the skills that weren’t so much forgotten as mislaid. Sometimes things came back easily, sometimes with difficulty, but slowly he was rebuilding his mind.

“Severus, I’ll be ready to go soon, but I realise I’m not dressed. Do you think you could get me my clothes?”

Snape nodded and headed back down to the room off the patio where the werewolves changed before changing.

“He is truly improving, isn’t he, Lucretia?”

She nodded.

“He is. And, although I never knew him before, I’m also led to believe that he’s much less troubled than he was. Easier to be around. Even happier.”

Lupin sighed.

“He’s still in love with me though, isn’t he?”

Lucretia’s shock overwhelmed her ability to keep her face under control, and her mouth dropped open.

“You know? Did Andromeda…? Did she say something?”

“Andromeda? Merlin, does she know?”

Lucretia suddenly looked very uncomfortable under an intense gaze which was not the usual mild Lupin.

“I spoke to her at Christmas,’ she said quietly. “I think that might have been a mistake.”

Lupin looked at the door and spoke.

“Silencing spell, Lucretia. He’ll come back in a minute and I don’t want him half overhearing something.”

Lucretia cast the spell, looking even more uncomfortable.

“Who else, Lucretia?”

“Just Wormwood. And… I think Blossom might have guessed.”

“Yes, I think you’re right there. I didn’t realise until a couple of months ago. It was something Blossom said, and then… I realised he’d felt that way for some time. It’s… what a mess. I don’t feel the same, but I care and want to be his friend, but… what a bloody mess.”

Lupin sighed sadly and looked down at his hands. Lucretia looked back at the door.

“He is still in love with you. I’m sure of that. But he’s not miserable. Please, you shouldn’t trouble yourself.”

“He’s been avoiding me less lately, been less prickly. I thought… I hoped that maybe he was past that.”

Lucretia looked intently at him, and tilted her head slightly.

“You thought the fact that he wasn’t avoiding you and was being friendly meant he wasn’t in love with you anymore?”

Her tone was slightly patronising. Lupin could see that his logic appeared a little weak.

“I’ve known him a long time. His behaviour can be…contradictory.”

Lucretia nodded. She thought that the two men had a very odd relationship, but it wasn’t her place to comment.

Snape returned a few minutes later with Lupin’s clothes, standing awkwardly as he realised that Lupin would be unable to dress himself, and would need one of them to assist. In the end, he handed the clothes to Lucretia and stalked from the room. Lupin looked at Lucretia and raised his eyebrow.

Snape returned Lupin to the farmhouse, finding a tired Andromeda waiting anxiously, a grizzling, clingy Teddy in her arms. Even Grimmy was subdued, picking up the mood of those around him.

“Harry said you had another attack,” she said, handing the boy to his father.

Lupin gave a dismissive shrug.

“It’s passed now, Meda. I’m fine. I just need some more rest.”

Andromeda gave a small snort of breath through her nose. She turned to Snape.

“Please, at least stay for a cup of tea. Surely they don’t expect you to work in the lab today, and you can’t be teaching the children. Maybe you could spend some time with Grimmy. He’s been a bit neglected these last few days.”

“I’ll take him outside now if you like. Let you get these two settled.

Andromeda nodded, and took Lupin through to his room, Teddy curled up in his lap. Lupin would sleep, on and off, for most of the day. Teddy would also sleep for a while, with his father out of the house he was always unsettled and slept badly during the night. Grimmy took a few steps after them, then turned back to Snape. On one hand, he liked to stay with Lupin when he was ill. On the other, he might get to play with his friend.

Snape walked towards the back door, picking up Grimmy’s ball. The dog’s mind was made up, he followed Snape with his tail wagging.

Snape spent nearly an hour throwing the ball for Grimmy before returning inside. He sat and had tea with Andromeda before deciding to take Grimmy for a walk.

“I haven’t done this enough lately,” he admitted. “I forget how good it feels.”

After the walk, he allowed himself to be cornered by Teddy, who was carrying a book and bore a determined expression on his face. After he had read to Teddy, Andromeda attempted to convince him to stay for lunch.

“I can’t Andromeda, I really need to check on the children. Lucretia likes to wake them up and give them some lunch. I said I’d help.”

“Of course. But we’ve missed you, Severus,” she said. “You should come more often. I know you’re busy, but it’s not far from Dartmoor, shouldn’t be too much effort.”

“I won’t start classes again for a couple more days. Perhaps I could call tomorrow morning and walk Grimmy?”

Andromeda patted his arm.

“Tomorrow then, we will look forward to it.”